Thank God For the Giants

Yeah, I said it. Thank whatever god you pray to, or pure causality if you're an atheist, for the Giants. Without that shitty excuse for a SuperBowl team, we'd be mired in the year of Boston sports dominance. And we'd have to hear it from all the Masshole yahoos until the Devil Rays win the World Series this fall. That would've been a long summer. However, I'd like to congratulate Kevin Garnett for finally winning a title. And deliver a pretty big fuck you to Paul Pierce for the worst MVP speech ever given.

Yeah, it was the worst MVP speech ever delivered by an athlete in the history of sports. No, I don't have any empirical evidence to back that statement up, but I'll give you a logical explanation why it was so terrible.

Every MVP, even Kobe Bryant, thanks their teammates when accepting the hardware. Paul Pierce didn't say a damn thing about his teammates except that his current teammates were apparently the only ones worth having. Sure, he graciously thanked the fans for their "support". Right before he took an unnecessary swipe at all his past teammates. He told the crowd that a Celtics championship was possible all along given that he had players he "could play with."

I guess Antoine Walker was too shitty to play with, Paul. Or maybe the countless other players that came through Boston expecting you to lead them and left because you couldn't, or didn't want to. That isn't selfish or anything. I guess its alright to start trying when you think your team has a chance to win.

Kobe Bryant only took a team with 0 all stars through the Western Conference and into the finals. Lebron James only took a team that started about 3 bench players to the finals last year.

But, you know, you deserve to try only when your team acquires one of the top 5 power forwards in modern NBA history and one of its best sharpshooters. Because Paul Pierce only deserves the best. Fie on all you reporters and pundits that called Paul Pierce selfish.

Seriously, has any other MVP speech been littered with as much selfishness as Pierce's? It sounded like a Kanye West Grammy acceptance speech. He thanked the "fans" and proceeded to dispel all the haters that have taken aim at him throughout his career. I thought MVP speeches were meant to shower the fans and teammates with praise for putting you in that position. Not to childishly take aim at let loose.

The worst part about this entire thing is that his play really vaulted him into the top tier. Pierce really had a momentous post season and carried his team to the championship. But the his bow on the stage just showed the continuous immaturity and nature of Pierce's character. By attempting to dispel the notion of his selfishness, he just reinforced and magnified it.

Batting Stances: Indians

This is incredible. The Indians one was just posted a week ago, but they have a variety of teams and if you grew up watching baseball you'll remember all the players, past and present, that they do. The Mo Vaughn on the Red Sox video is incredible. Check em out on Youtube. The channel is simply called: Batting Stances.

The Clinch

As we've all heard by now, Barack Obama made history last night by being the first minority candidate to win a nomination from a major party for the presidency of the United States. Unfortunately his victory is being slightly eclipsed by Hillary Clinton's lack of grace and unfettered ego. As much as I'd like to vent about her speech last night and pick out every tidbit of boundless narcissism and arrogance from it, I'll leave that to this morning's press. Instead, I want to look at Obama's speech and what his candidacy has stood for so far.

Last night's speech was incredible. He started off slow to congratulate Clinton's effort in the primaries and made a pitch to her supporters (who, by her own doing, have become poker chips in this game). He also complimented McCain before taking a few jabs at the Republican in response that candidate's speech earlier in the night. But the meat of Obama's speech came out at the end where he laid his campaign out for everyone to hear.

This man can do what only few others have been able to do. He makes you look upon him and see yourself and your dreams. He doesn't espouse himself or his ability to make the world a better place. Instead he only asks you to put him in a position where he can help us make America great again. He doesn't resort to waving the bloody flag of 9/11 for political purposes like Clinton did in her speech. Instead he referred to the great leaders of the past who stood for change and kept America at the summit of global prominence. This is important because fear mongering blinds the public from the truth and leads to gaffes like the Iraq war and the Patriot Act.

His campaign is not about himself. He never once referred to himself in the speech. The only promise he made was that neither his campaign nor his party would every "use religion as a wedge and patriotism as a bludgeon." This is powerful stuff. He took aim at everything the Republicans have done in the past 7 years and promised a departure from it. He has effectively given the Democratic Party a new foreign policy that differs itself from the Republican paradigm. John Kerry lost an election partly because he couldn't make this distinction. Obama doesn't merely offer change and leave it as an abstract concept that we can strive for. He put it on the table yesterday and he told us how we'll change.

He wants to use diplomacy as our primary weapons and concentrate on the "good war" in Afghanistan. The Republicans have called this appeasement. But was talking to Libya and getting them off the terror list appeasement? Was talking to North Korea and halting their nuclear ambitions appeasement? The Republican policy of having no policy in the Middle East has lead to America being marginalized in a region where we've committed billions of dollars of resources. The Arab states have no confidence in us whatsoever and even Israel has gone behind our backs to negotiate with Syria (who has sought to negotiate with us for some time now). It has become clear that any solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict will not currently go through the United States but through regional powers such as Egypt, Turkey, and Lebanon.

Obama also understands that outsourcing will never be stopped. As long as we are a capitalist society, every corporation will seek to operate as efficiently as possible. But he understands that we need to encourage jobs that cannot be outsourced such as those in the tech sector and infrastructure reconstruction. He wants to make college education "a birthright" and not a privilege of the bourgeois. Both of these things need to be combined to revitalize the American ingenuity that has kept us in front for the better part of the century.

His entire speech focused on not how great his campaign has been or how great he can be. It focused on how great America can still be. We've fallen from the top a bit and our lead in the global power race has been cut recently. We have no moral authority and are considered the bully of the global theater once again. Our nation has not led the world the way the world wants us to lead them. We refuse to take part in greenhouse gas reduction and global warming. Obama mentioned a carbon tax cap and trade in his speech last night. He clearly knows what the nation needs domestically and what the world expects of us. We are the beacon of hope in this world but the bulb in the lighthouse has been flickering for the past 7 years. Its time to replace it and light the way for the rest of the globe to follow.

Why the Celtics Don't Deserve to Win, But Probably Will

I'm going to preface this article by noting that I am no longer bitter about the Cavs losing to Boston in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. It has been a couple of weeks and the rage has subsided. But by analyzing what happened in that series, the Hawks series, and this current conference final, the Boston Celtics of 2008 are not fit to win the NBA Championship, but will probably do so. Note the "probably". I'm not going to pick this bunch of losers over the Los Angeles Kobes.

If anything has come out of the playoffs so far in the Eastern Conference this year, it is this: the Celtics don't know how to win. This team was supposed to be the reincarnation of Mchale, Parrish, and Bird. They are more like another version of Daugherty, Price, and Nance. For those of you who don't know, those were the early 90s Cavs all star teams that got handled by Jordan because they didn't know how to win. The worst part about this is that we don't even have to look past the first round to notice the Celtics' flaws. They were taken to 7 games by an 8 seed. They lost every game on the road and benefited greatly from favorable home officiating.

As a side note: There can be no argument that the referees this year are giving home teams more leeway on defense. The Cavaliers pretty much mugged the Wizards at the Q and got away with it. Furthermore, there can't be any other explanation of why home teams were winning 90% of their games in the second round. I'm surprised that no media outlet has said anything about this. It isn't conspiracy theory, its just an observation. Home court is no longer some abstract concept that gives teams 5 more points on the spread. It is an actual advantage manufactured by the league.

So with that in mind lets evaluate the overall trend in the Celtics playoff run. They basically are unbeatable at home because their defense is allowed more leeway. They can be bruisers and not pay the price in fouls or minutes played. However, on the road when they are challenged by an equal on defense, such as Cleveland or Detroit, they can't manage to win convincingly. Sure they stole one in Detroit earlier this week, but thats one game compared to the rest of the postseason. The Celtics, and other home teams, have been helped immensely by the refs this year. It helps Boston more because they have the advantage.

But even with favorable home officiating, the Hawks should not have taken more than one game at home. The Celtics are too talented to lose to the Hawks. They have too much veteran presence and experience to lose three games on the road to Atlanta. And this is from the team which completed the Texas three step. This finally leads me to my thesis.

The Celtics don't know how to win. They have three all starts who haven't won a damn thing in their careers. Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett are known respectively as: the underachiever, the disappearing act, and anti-Jordan. Pierce has played under his potential his entire career. Ray Allen is the type of player that can take over a game but for some reason shies away from the spotlight. Garnett loves the spotlight but is so competitive that he is afraid of failure. Mike once said that he's missed more game winners than he has made. But thats what makes a legend: the courage to take that shot and miss. Because you can't make shots without taking them.

These three combine and contribute to the collective personality of the Celtics. They play scared. They haven't played like champions so far and its unlikely that they will learn at this juncture. Last night they had a 15 point lead in the 4th quarter. Sure they got the win, but they played like they were trying not to lose. The Pistons, being champs, roared back and almost stole one at the Garden. This is inexcusable. I guarantee that if the Celts pull that shit against the Lakers, Kobe will destroy them. Even in the Cavs series, there wasn't one game at the Garden that showed the willingness of the Celtics to step on the throats of their opponent. With the exception of game 2, the Cavs could have easily won in the Garden with a few lucky bounces here and there. The Pistons, and Lakers, don't need those lucky bounces. They will take a mile from any inch the Celtics give them.

Game 7 of the series with the Cavaliers really epitomized the Celtics thus far. They had a substantial lead going into the 4th quarter at home and still managed to let the Cavs get within 5 with considerable time left. Garnett barely scored into double figures and Allen didn't bother even showing up to the game. They were fortunate that Paul Pierce took the game into his hands and dropped 40. But the refusal of the other two to step up at a crucial juncture showed that this team doesn't know how to win. It does not know how to put the nail in the coffin. Maybe they don't need to though. Maybe when its all said and done, they were too talented to lose. But as we've seen in the past, sheer force of will can defeat all the talent in the world. As it should.

More Questionable Sports Fashion Trends (and T-Shirt Jersey Purchase Guidlines)

As if mentioning Zubaz pants weren't enough, I've decided to take a crack at berating other sports fashion trends that catch my ire. The last article dealt more with trends from our collective youth that were sweet at the time but are questionable in retrospect. Here are a few examples of modern trends that need to disappear.

First, I have to mention the multi colored logos. Why do I need an Indians hat that is green and white? Are we the Celtics? Even if I were Irish, there's no need to deface the classically colored Wahoo by painting him in green and white. Sure, those were my high school colors, but the team isn't the Cleveland Wildcats. They are the Cleveland Indians. And a long time ago some white people arbitrarily decided that our colors would be red, white, and blue. So thats the way it has to stay. I'm not against the caps, or apparel, that uses various designs while maintaining the team's colors.

Also, anything pink is dumb. Sorry ladies. I understand that pink has somehow become the universal color for the feminine, but there is no room for it in sports apparel. No matter how "cute" those pink Yankees or Red Sox shirts are, they are fucking stupid. Get the team colors. Otherwise you are just another front runner jumping on an already packed bandwagon.

Now, I'm not against designing specific stuff for the ladies. If they want form fitting tanktops that make them look sexy, who am I to tell them no? But seriously, if there is any reason that you question your ability to pull off the jersey dress, then trust your judgment and stay away from it. Translation: if you don't look like Mariah Carey in the #23 Washington Wizards jersey dress, don't wear it to games. For your sake, and ours.

Second, please don't wear jerseys with your own name embroidered on the back. This is singlehandedly the worst thing to come out of the Internet in terms of online shopping. The worst. I first came across this in high school when my AP Government teacher used to rock the Indians jersey with "Ventura" embroidered on the back. Seriously, I never knew Robin Ventura played for the Ind......oh, you're a total fuck. Honestly, Mr. Ventura was a pretty huge dick (he skipped administering an exam to watch the NCAA Tourney; this is pretty sweet in retrospect and we probably wouldn't have hated him as much if he didn't own this goddamn jersey).

There is no point in having your own name on the back. Are you on the team? Are you someone we should know? No, asshole. I don't know anyone named Kowolski on the goddamn Indians. If you are fan of a team, then either get a jersey with the player you like the most or a blank one. Those two can remain timeless. The jersey with your name on the back, well, that'll just remind you of how big a douchebag you were back in 1995. The only exception to this is that if your name matches the players name and that name is unique. So, no, getting a Joe Smith jersey because your last name is Smith is not cool.

Baseball jersey t-shirts, however, are governed by a few more regulations. Everything said above about real jerseys applies. However, there are a few guidelines one must follow when purchasing a revered baseball jersey shirt.

1. You have to be in the same physical space as the jersey shirt to purchase it. You cannot go to the Orioles online team shop and purchase the all coveted Brian Roberts jersey. You better get your ass to Camden Yards or a random Baltimore area mall and cop it from there. Online is illegitimate.
2. When considering a jersey shirt from a team that isn't your hometown team, you must think of the repercussions of purchasing a certain player. Picking Jeter or A-Rod (or a plethora of other Yanks) makes you a casual fan. But a Morgan Ensberg jersey puts you in the know.
   
3. The older shirts are always cooler. If you have a Roberto Alomar Blue Jays shirt, then you are the man. A Soriano Yankees shirt is also pretty fucking awesome. But a jersey shirt of a player who had a very limited tenure on a certain team is ten times better. A great example would be the Soriano Nationals jersey shirt. If anyone has that, well, I admire your foresight. Any sort of Kenny Lofton shirt would fit the bill here.
   
4. This rule may actually be an addendum to the previous one. Shirts of players who completely tanked or disappeared from the majors are worth a ton. Remember Sammy Sosa used to play for the Orioles? Awesome jersey shirt. My buddy Bryan has a John Rocker Indians jersey shirt. Jon Rocker! Fucking awesome. Any post Indians Roberto Alomar shirts (Mets, White Sox, or Diamondbacks) would also get some value.
   
5. Always purchase for the future. Sure my Ken Griffey, Jr Cincinnati Reds shirt isn't so awesome now. But when he gets traded later this year, it'll be badass. A Josh Hamilton Reds jersey is probably also on the rise (along with Edinson Volquez Rangers shirts).
   
6. Trades are completely acceptable. If you are willing to part with a jersey shirt for one that you think is better, then do it. This is usually done by trading home team jersey shirts that have piled up over the years. A fair trade would be something like Grady Sizemore for Cole Hamels or Chase Utley.

Those are my guidelines for purchasing jersey shirts. If you guys have any more, just put 'em in the comments section. Also buying an orange San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds jersey and wearing it, well, anywhere is ballsy. That might be the only way to get around all of the aforementioned rules. But if you want legitimate jersey shirts the guidelines listed above should get your started on a legendary collection.

Please Stay Out of Jail Bills

James Hardy, the Bills second round pick, allegedly pointed a gun at his father. Marshawn Lynch allegedly hit a girl at 3:30 a.m. in downtown Buffalo. Are the Bills the new Bengals? I hope not.

The only logical thing I could think to do to stave off having to think about Marshawn's possible legal problems is a presentation of the Bills jerseys through the years.









This is just a small selection, but I think it demonstrates how bad ass the old jerseys are compared to the uber lame four different colored disasters that the Bills wear these days (not counting the glorious throwbacks). The Bills have two different color blues on their helmet stripe, along with red and white. I am extremely color blind and I know that doesnt look right. If you look back the Bills kept things simple---red, white, and blue. The best, most respectable NFL Jerseys are the simple ones. The Packers, Bears, Steelers and Raiders have virtually no change in their jerseys in the Super Bowl era. I understand that the Bills are in a small market and new jersey designs usually create a spike in jersey sales, but still the greatest spike in jersey sales is drafting and signing competent players. The Bills have not excelled in this area to be sure.

If I had my way I would just have them wear their original jerseys all the time. The thought of the Bills wearing white throwbacks with Buffalo Blue pants (or even white pants) is enough to give me Colbie Caillat style tingles that start at my toes. Wow that is really not masculine. Something that IS masculine though is zubaz pants. I wish the NFL would give them back their licensing deal because though cool, the Zubaz now are single color and more zebra than Zubaz.

I loved the Jim Kelly era Bills uniforms but would be okay with relegating THEM to the alternates, as opposed to the way it is now. I am NOT a fan of the 1994 red helmets with red jerseys. That is almost as bad as when the Giants wear red jerseys with their blue helmets with no red on them, or when the Dolphins where their orange jerseys.








The Bills current jerseys reprsent nothing but perpetual putridity. A change is in order please. Also, Bills, please, please, stay out of jail.

Questionable (but Awesome) Sports Fashion Trends of the Past

Sports always inspire us. Whether it is to go onto the driveway and shoot free throws until your arms fall off or run 5 miles a day to be like one of those Champions League midfielders, watching sports as kids gave us motivation. The only downside to this was that it motivated us to dress like our favorite stars too.

I remember begging my parents for one of those cool Starter jackets ages ago. You know, the pullover winter coats with the huge logo on the back. Kids would get mugged all over the country for those things. If I recall correctly, people would get stabbed for Raiders jackets. The problem with Starter jackets was that they were marketed as a winter coat. And everyone who has had one knows they don't do shit in the winter. Remember sledding and getting snow plowed into your coat? Or even slowly freezing to death at the bus stop? Yeah they were big and cost $100 1990 dollars, but the didn't do shit. You can buy a fleece for that much (or less if inflation is taken into account) now at North Face that'll keep you alive in worse conditions.

Hats have always been a big accessory to us sporty children. I can't even count how many hats I have or have had. In elementary school they were those cheap adjustable hats created by just about everyone. In middle school it was those same hats worn backwards. But in high school, well, there came the variety.

Almost everyone who wanted to be part of the growing hip hop universe sported the fitted cap backwards. Obviously all the tags and stickers were kept on there and the brim was incredibly flat. Was it me or were these hats always accompanied by some oversized shirt of some kind (Nautica or Tommy branded of course) and extremely baggy/sagging jeans?

The preppy kids (read: white) almost always had those adjustable white hats with the arching college logos. The most infamous one was the USC Gamecocks hat. What 10th grader wouldn't love to wear a hat that proclaims "Cocks" on the front in bold red lettering? But they couldn't be pristine white. To preserve the balance in the hat universe and counter the "just purchased" look of the hip hop clique, the preppies dirtied their hats and constructed ridiculous brims by either putting rubber band around them or stuffing them into cups. Usually these hats were accompanied by khaki pants and some sort of polo type shirt.

And how about those Umbro shorts? I remember kids wearing those things middle school with briefs. Totally gross. But, I mean, it was cool when the chicks did it. However, it was disconcerting that the only thing between you and the dude next you was a sheer piece of nylon. And what if a no reason boner reared its ugly head? That nylon was not going to cover it up at all. What were we thinking wearing those to school?

Then there were the Coed Naked shirts. These things were banned in my high school. If we were caught wearing them, we had to either take them off or cover them up. But with witty slogans like "Coed Naked Soccer: We get our kicks on the grass" or "Coed Naked Tennis: Its in, its out, its over" how could hormonally imbalanced teens resist? My all time favorite was definitely "Coed Naked Firefighting: Find 'em hot, leave 'em wet." Just incredible.

Finally, who could forget the Zubaz pants. My associate B-Rad recently purchased a pair of Browns Zubaz pants from a discount clothing store for me. It was an appreciated gift that I will one day wear to a Browns game in the dead of winter. With nothing else on underneath. Isn't that how you're supposed to rock the Zubaz pants? Anyway, for those of you not familiar with these classics, they are basically MC Hammer pants with tiger stripes on them that use your team's primary and secondary colors (ie the Browns had brown, orange, white, and black on them). I remember Deion Sanders stalking the Dallas sideline wearing these things. Hideous but awesome.

Stay tuned, next time I'm going to talk about current hideous sports fashion trends and the rules of wearing and purchasing MLB jersey shirts. Yes, the words Danny Tartabull and Mariah Carey Jordan jersey dress will be used in the same sentence.