More Questionable Sports Fashion Trends (and T-Shirt Jersey Purchase Guidlines)

As if mentioning Zubaz pants weren't enough, I've decided to take a crack at berating other sports fashion trends that catch my ire. The last article dealt more with trends from our collective youth that were sweet at the time but are questionable in retrospect. Here are a few examples of modern trends that need to disappear.

First, I have to mention the multi colored logos. Why do I need an Indians hat that is green and white? Are we the Celtics? Even if I were Irish, there's no need to deface the classically colored Wahoo by painting him in green and white. Sure, those were my high school colors, but the team isn't the Cleveland Wildcats. They are the Cleveland Indians. And a long time ago some white people arbitrarily decided that our colors would be red, white, and blue. So thats the way it has to stay. I'm not against the caps, or apparel, that uses various designs while maintaining the team's colors.

Also, anything pink is dumb. Sorry ladies. I understand that pink has somehow become the universal color for the feminine, but there is no room for it in sports apparel. No matter how "cute" those pink Yankees or Red Sox shirts are, they are fucking stupid. Get the team colors. Otherwise you are just another front runner jumping on an already packed bandwagon.

Now, I'm not against designing specific stuff for the ladies. If they want form fitting tanktops that make them look sexy, who am I to tell them no? But seriously, if there is any reason that you question your ability to pull off the jersey dress, then trust your judgment and stay away from it. Translation: if you don't look like Mariah Carey in the #23 Washington Wizards jersey dress, don't wear it to games. For your sake, and ours.

Second, please don't wear jerseys with your own name embroidered on the back. This is singlehandedly the worst thing to come out of the Internet in terms of online shopping. The worst. I first came across this in high school when my AP Government teacher used to rock the Indians jersey with "Ventura" embroidered on the back. Seriously, I never knew Robin Ventura played for the Ind......oh, you're a total fuck. Honestly, Mr. Ventura was a pretty huge dick (he skipped administering an exam to watch the NCAA Tourney; this is pretty sweet in retrospect and we probably wouldn't have hated him as much if he didn't own this goddamn jersey).

There is no point in having your own name on the back. Are you on the team? Are you someone we should know? No, asshole. I don't know anyone named Kowolski on the goddamn Indians. If you are fan of a team, then either get a jersey with the player you like the most or a blank one. Those two can remain timeless. The jersey with your name on the back, well, that'll just remind you of how big a douchebag you were back in 1995. The only exception to this is that if your name matches the players name and that name is unique. So, no, getting a Joe Smith jersey because your last name is Smith is not cool.

Baseball jersey t-shirts, however, are governed by a few more regulations. Everything said above about real jerseys applies. However, there are a few guidelines one must follow when purchasing a revered baseball jersey shirt.

1. You have to be in the same physical space as the jersey shirt to purchase it. You cannot go to the Orioles online team shop and purchase the all coveted Brian Roberts jersey. You better get your ass to Camden Yards or a random Baltimore area mall and cop it from there. Online is illegitimate.
2. When considering a jersey shirt from a team that isn't your hometown team, you must think of the repercussions of purchasing a certain player. Picking Jeter or A-Rod (or a plethora of other Yanks) makes you a casual fan. But a Morgan Ensberg jersey puts you in the know.
   
3. The older shirts are always cooler. If you have a Roberto Alomar Blue Jays shirt, then you are the man. A Soriano Yankees shirt is also pretty fucking awesome. But a jersey shirt of a player who had a very limited tenure on a certain team is ten times better. A great example would be the Soriano Nationals jersey shirt. If anyone has that, well, I admire your foresight. Any sort of Kenny Lofton shirt would fit the bill here.
   
4. This rule may actually be an addendum to the previous one. Shirts of players who completely tanked or disappeared from the majors are worth a ton. Remember Sammy Sosa used to play for the Orioles? Awesome jersey shirt. My buddy Bryan has a John Rocker Indians jersey shirt. Jon Rocker! Fucking awesome. Any post Indians Roberto Alomar shirts (Mets, White Sox, or Diamondbacks) would also get some value.
   
5. Always purchase for the future. Sure my Ken Griffey, Jr Cincinnati Reds shirt isn't so awesome now. But when he gets traded later this year, it'll be badass. A Josh Hamilton Reds jersey is probably also on the rise (along with Edinson Volquez Rangers shirts).
   
6. Trades are completely acceptable. If you are willing to part with a jersey shirt for one that you think is better, then do it. This is usually done by trading home team jersey shirts that have piled up over the years. A fair trade would be something like Grady Sizemore for Cole Hamels or Chase Utley.

Those are my guidelines for purchasing jersey shirts. If you guys have any more, just put 'em in the comments section. Also buying an orange San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds jersey and wearing it, well, anywhere is ballsy. That might be the only way to get around all of the aforementioned rules. But if you want legitimate jersey shirts the guidelines listed above should get your started on a legendary collection.