Sorry '72 Dolphins, Your Yolk is Over

Holy shit. Am I glad I don't have to listen to the stories of the goddamn '72 Miami Dolphins anymore. It's about time those old bastards shut the fuck up. If there is anything positive about the 2007 Patriots, its that they really stole the perfection spotlight.

They ran the table on the defending Super Bowl champion Colts and every division leader the played including Dallas, Pittsburgh (crushed), and San Diego. Additionally, half their schedule (including the 10-6 Browns) consisted of playoff teams. Honestly, I don't know who the '72 Dolphins played in their 14 game season. But what I do know is that no team had a better record than 8-6. And further, I'm pretty sure that only two teams were at 8-6.

Now the icing on the cake - yes, I'm talking about statistics! The Pats had a +315 point differential this year! Seriously. That is more points than 11 NFL teams managed to put up the entire season! That differential is 100 points more than the Dolphins. If we took the averages, the '72 team would have had a 70 point differential deficit to the Pats in a 16 game season. Thats two 35 point shutouts for you mathematically disadvantaged youth of America.

So eat it, Shula. Don't produce comments your wife makes you apologize for less than 24 hours after the fact. The '07 Pats could've seriously ended your team's life. Madden '08 says so. And that's as good as the words of Steve Young.

Now, don't get me wrong, I agree that the Patriots still have to win the whole thing to be considered the greatest. That's usually how these things work (I'm looking at you 2001 Seattle Mariners). But if they do, they will have gotten through one of the toughest schedules in recent memory. And look at the playoff teams. Not including the shitty Titans, there are absolutely no cakewalks for the Pats. They'll most likely have to get through the Colts on their way to Green Bay in the Super Bowl. Personally, I'd be more frightened of the Jaguars if I were a Masshole.

So the kicker of the '72 Dolphins can shut his mouth. There won't be any champagne popping from those senile bastards anymore. Thank you Tom Brady and Randy Moss. Thank you for ending this farce of a reign we'd had to put up with for what seems like eternity. Now if only someone can stop the Celtics.

Nukes and Bocce Ball, Not Football

You know, its only appropriate that our playoff shots were dashed by Jim Giraffe Neck Sorgi and town drunk Kerry Collins. And by something dumb like losing to the Raiders/Bengals/Cardinals. Fuck you, fate.

Perhaps next year....oh wait, probably not. We get to play the AFC South and NFC East along with the second place AFC teams! At least we can still beat Buffalo...

Almost Only Counts in Bocce Ball and Nukes

You know, I should be nothing short of ecstatic about the unexpected performance of my beloved Cleveland sports teams in 2007. The Indians were up 3-1 on the Red Sox in the ALCS and almost made it to the Series. The Cavs won the Eastern Conference and almost gave the Spurs a fight in the finals. And whatever the Browns do this weekend, they will have almost done whatever we would have wanted them to do. If that makes any sense, congratulations.

Anyway, the point is almost doesn't mean shit on the shores of Lake Erie. Almost doesn't give us trophies, championship t-shirts, nor much revered bragging rights. It only gives us random surges of rage at what could have been. Trust me, I still curse Jose Mesa without any provocation.

Why couldn't the Indians just win one more game!? They would've been a lock against the Rockies! Even if the validity of that latter statement is questionable, it's the way our logic operates.

If the refs knew what a forward lateral was, the Bills would've been in the Superbowl! I don't agree with Bills fans on this, but I understand where they're coming from.

If Steve Bartman wasn't retarded, the Cubs would have won it all! Fuck him! Seriously? C'mon guys, thats a stretch. And yes, I included the Cubs for the sole reason of insulting Chicago fans.

Where is this rant taking me? Who knows. I think it was a rant about the Browns so let's go with that. The Brownies could have locked up a playoff spot last week with a win at Cincinnati. Obviously Derek Anderson threw 4 picks. Two of those led to Cincy touchdowns in the span of about 45 seconds. The other two were in the in the red zone and end zone. Despite his shittiness, the Browns were still one pass away from winning the game. Whatever. The point is they have to depend on the Titans losing to the Colts' second stringers to make the playoffs. Fuck.

But honestly, we should be happy that the Browns are even in contention to make the playoffs right? I mean they started off the season getting anally penetrated by the hated Steelers. Then they traded their starting quarterback for some skittles and a handjob. The chants of Brady Quinn were silenced by the playmaking of 6'7 Derek Anderson. Yes, the white guy from Oregon not the shooting guard for the Cavs circa 1998. And there were all those kardiac kid moments that led to games won. And just as many games lost. All in all they came out to 9-6 so far with a shot at the playoffs.

If Sunday leads to the expected disappointment, then 2007 will be complete. We'll be disappointed at another Cleveland team which overachieved for once. Because if they made the playoffs this year, they'd have whooped on the Patriots and made the Super Bowl! And maybe thats the way we like it. After eons of disappointment, maybe we're all content with being guarded dreamers because reality bites a little too hard. If the Brownies made playoffs and lost, that fantasy wouldn't exist.

But honestly, fuck that. We want playoffs, not some pussy ass daydream we could talk about around the water cooler. We want to shit on Steelers fans and lynch Steely McBeem. Remember, almost only counts for two things on the great shores of Erie: bocce ball and nukes.

The Battle of Lake Erie

On January 6, 1990, the "Old Browns" (the team that would leave Cleveland become the Ravens and win the Super Bowl) played the Buffalo Bills in a heartbreaking game that fractured my 8 year old psyche.

The 89 season is kind of the lost season during the Bills amazing run. In 88 everyone was so excited the Bills were good, their loss to the Bengals in the "jungle" did not seem so bad. However, in 89 the Bills were suddenly favorites to go to the Super Bowl. After a disappointing regular season, the Bills still made the playoffs where anything could happen.

"Anything can happen" hasn't really been kind to the Bills (besides the greatest comeback ever). Usually "anything can happen" is a missed kick to lose the Super Bowl, or an insane lateral with seconds left on the clock that knocks you out of the playoffs. This forgotten "anything can happen," the Bills had the ball on the Browns 12 yard line and were trailing 34-30 with just a few seconds remaining. Jim Kelly threw a perfect pass to Ronnie Harmon which he inexplicably dropped.

The next play Clay I sell cars in Cleveland Matthews picks off Jim Kelly at the one yard line with 9 seconds left ending the Bills season.
The game did, however, give us the above amazing Don Beebe picture which has made innumerable highlight videos.

Flash forward 18 years and the Bills and "new" Browns meet in Cleveland in what is for all intents and purposes a playoff game. I'm hoping the game sparks a new rivalry between the Lake Erie teams. It is a very doable drive (my brother and his posse are going to the game), and the argument over who has suffered more is always heated. Also, the teams will meet again next year as both have wrapped up second place in their respective divisions. I'm giddy.

I'm also starting to believe in Trent Edwards. His 70 yard touchdown to Lee Evans on Sunday was beautiful. I am glad JP got another chance, I think he deserved it. Unfortunately, for JP it did not work out. Like an insecure girl who jumps from long term boyfriend to long term boyfriend Edwards has me hooked.

Other NFL thoughts:

• It doesn't look like three last place teams are going to make it to the playoffs this year. I hope only one does, as Cleveland is the only serious contender left. You can pretty much stick a fork in the Redskins, Lions, and Cardinals because of the inspired play of the Vikings.
• In my fantasy playoffs I am playing the team that has Tom Brady and Ladanian Tomlinson...pray for me.
• Am I the only one excited for the return of Kyle Orton? He better have his Scott Niedermayer like beard on display too.
• I can't believe NBC flexed the Vikings/Redskins game. Granted, I am totally biased, but I wanted Bills/Giants. No matter the network it is 100% guaranteed that the Scott Norwood kick will be shown and discussed---Bills fans just be prepared.

Hooray for Joe!

I'd like to thank Joe Gibbs for being old and stupid.

Was the NFL really that different in the 80s that he was able to take three differently horrible quarterbacks (Joe Theisman, Doug Williams, and Mark Rypien) to Super Bowl Championships, but now can't get out of his own way?

I think the time out just before the ball is snapped thing is getting really old too. I think they should go back to the old rule where only players on the field are able to call time-outs. I mean the NFL has made it a major point of emphasis that every team has captains, they should do something besides call heads or tails.

Other NFL thoughts:

• The Lions might as well stop playing. They have to play the Cowboys, Chargers, and Packers, and Chiefs. They went from playoff team to possible top ten pick real quick.
• The AJ Feely love affair was short lived, but I still think that Donovan is done in Philly.
• If the Chargers beat the Titans next week and the Bills take care of business in Buffalo against the Dolphins the Bills v. Browns game in Cleveland will be huge for that last AFC playoff spot.
• Reggie Bush stinks. Yeah, Sean Payton should not have called a gimmick reverse play in the fourth quarter, but still it is a player's responsibility not to make a horrible lateral. Didn't he do something like that against Texas in the BCS game?
• In the 2006 last place team playoff watch: The Bucs barring a collapse are in. The Cardinals, Lions, Browns are still alive.
• Rian Lindell may spell his name like a guy who has pantie lines from his tighty whities and wranglers, but he's hit 17 field goals in a row tying the Bills record set by the immortal Steve Christie.
• Why was I the only one in my twenty plus yahoo pick em league that took the Raiders over the Broncos? Sometimes coaches go over the deep end with their egotism. Mike Shanahan has been teetering there for a couple of years now--inexplicably loading his defensive line with former Cleveland Browns and the third round drafting of Maurice Clarrett are just two examples. Last week's just plain silly kicking and punting to Devin Hester I think was the tipping point. Plus, the Raiders have really been playing better. Justin Fargas has been a fantasy waiver wire vulture's dream.
• Its halftime right now in the Pats/Ravens game and the last two weeks the Pats have looked very beatable, especially in inclement weather. This Patriots team is not like the tuck rule team that grinded teams out and won close games. A snow game in Foxboro actually might hurt the Patriots this time around.