Why the Celtics Don't Deserve to Win, But Probably Will

I'm going to preface this article by noting that I am no longer bitter about the Cavs losing to Boston in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. It has been a couple of weeks and the rage has subsided. But by analyzing what happened in that series, the Hawks series, and this current conference final, the Boston Celtics of 2008 are not fit to win the NBA Championship, but will probably do so. Note the "probably". I'm not going to pick this bunch of losers over the Los Angeles Kobes.

If anything has come out of the playoffs so far in the Eastern Conference this year, it is this: the Celtics don't know how to win. This team was supposed to be the reincarnation of Mchale, Parrish, and Bird. They are more like another version of Daugherty, Price, and Nance. For those of you who don't know, those were the early 90s Cavs all star teams that got handled by Jordan because they didn't know how to win. The worst part about this is that we don't even have to look past the first round to notice the Celtics' flaws. They were taken to 7 games by an 8 seed. They lost every game on the road and benefited greatly from favorable home officiating.

As a side note: There can be no argument that the referees this year are giving home teams more leeway on defense. The Cavaliers pretty much mugged the Wizards at the Q and got away with it. Furthermore, there can't be any other explanation of why home teams were winning 90% of their games in the second round. I'm surprised that no media outlet has said anything about this. It isn't conspiracy theory, its just an observation. Home court is no longer some abstract concept that gives teams 5 more points on the spread. It is an actual advantage manufactured by the league.

So with that in mind lets evaluate the overall trend in the Celtics playoff run. They basically are unbeatable at home because their defense is allowed more leeway. They can be bruisers and not pay the price in fouls or minutes played. However, on the road when they are challenged by an equal on defense, such as Cleveland or Detroit, they can't manage to win convincingly. Sure they stole one in Detroit earlier this week, but thats one game compared to the rest of the postseason. The Celtics, and other home teams, have been helped immensely by the refs this year. It helps Boston more because they have the advantage.

But even with favorable home officiating, the Hawks should not have taken more than one game at home. The Celtics are too talented to lose to the Hawks. They have too much veteran presence and experience to lose three games on the road to Atlanta. And this is from the team which completed the Texas three step. This finally leads me to my thesis.

The Celtics don't know how to win. They have three all starts who haven't won a damn thing in their careers. Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett are known respectively as: the underachiever, the disappearing act, and anti-Jordan. Pierce has played under his potential his entire career. Ray Allen is the type of player that can take over a game but for some reason shies away from the spotlight. Garnett loves the spotlight but is so competitive that he is afraid of failure. Mike once said that he's missed more game winners than he has made. But thats what makes a legend: the courage to take that shot and miss. Because you can't make shots without taking them.

These three combine and contribute to the collective personality of the Celtics. They play scared. They haven't played like champions so far and its unlikely that they will learn at this juncture. Last night they had a 15 point lead in the 4th quarter. Sure they got the win, but they played like they were trying not to lose. The Pistons, being champs, roared back and almost stole one at the Garden. This is inexcusable. I guarantee that if the Celts pull that shit against the Lakers, Kobe will destroy them. Even in the Cavs series, there wasn't one game at the Garden that showed the willingness of the Celtics to step on the throats of their opponent. With the exception of game 2, the Cavs could have easily won in the Garden with a few lucky bounces here and there. The Pistons, and Lakers, don't need those lucky bounces. They will take a mile from any inch the Celtics give them.

Game 7 of the series with the Cavaliers really epitomized the Celtics thus far. They had a substantial lead going into the 4th quarter at home and still managed to let the Cavs get within 5 with considerable time left. Garnett barely scored into double figures and Allen didn't bother even showing up to the game. They were fortunate that Paul Pierce took the game into his hands and dropped 40. But the refusal of the other two to step up at a crucial juncture showed that this team doesn't know how to win. It does not know how to put the nail in the coffin. Maybe they don't need to though. Maybe when its all said and done, they were too talented to lose. But as we've seen in the past, sheer force of will can defeat all the talent in the world. As it should.

More Questionable Sports Fashion Trends (and T-Shirt Jersey Purchase Guidlines)

As if mentioning Zubaz pants weren't enough, I've decided to take a crack at berating other sports fashion trends that catch my ire. The last article dealt more with trends from our collective youth that were sweet at the time but are questionable in retrospect. Here are a few examples of modern trends that need to disappear.

First, I have to mention the multi colored logos. Why do I need an Indians hat that is green and white? Are we the Celtics? Even if I were Irish, there's no need to deface the classically colored Wahoo by painting him in green and white. Sure, those were my high school colors, but the team isn't the Cleveland Wildcats. They are the Cleveland Indians. And a long time ago some white people arbitrarily decided that our colors would be red, white, and blue. So thats the way it has to stay. I'm not against the caps, or apparel, that uses various designs while maintaining the team's colors.

Also, anything pink is dumb. Sorry ladies. I understand that pink has somehow become the universal color for the feminine, but there is no room for it in sports apparel. No matter how "cute" those pink Yankees or Red Sox shirts are, they are fucking stupid. Get the team colors. Otherwise you are just another front runner jumping on an already packed bandwagon.

Now, I'm not against designing specific stuff for the ladies. If they want form fitting tanktops that make them look sexy, who am I to tell them no? But seriously, if there is any reason that you question your ability to pull off the jersey dress, then trust your judgment and stay away from it. Translation: if you don't look like Mariah Carey in the #23 Washington Wizards jersey dress, don't wear it to games. For your sake, and ours.

Second, please don't wear jerseys with your own name embroidered on the back. This is singlehandedly the worst thing to come out of the Internet in terms of online shopping. The worst. I first came across this in high school when my AP Government teacher used to rock the Indians jersey with "Ventura" embroidered on the back. Seriously, I never knew Robin Ventura played for the Ind......oh, you're a total fuck. Honestly, Mr. Ventura was a pretty huge dick (he skipped administering an exam to watch the NCAA Tourney; this is pretty sweet in retrospect and we probably wouldn't have hated him as much if he didn't own this goddamn jersey).

There is no point in having your own name on the back. Are you on the team? Are you someone we should know? No, asshole. I don't know anyone named Kowolski on the goddamn Indians. If you are fan of a team, then either get a jersey with the player you like the most or a blank one. Those two can remain timeless. The jersey with your name on the back, well, that'll just remind you of how big a douchebag you were back in 1995. The only exception to this is that if your name matches the players name and that name is unique. So, no, getting a Joe Smith jersey because your last name is Smith is not cool.

Baseball jersey t-shirts, however, are governed by a few more regulations. Everything said above about real jerseys applies. However, there are a few guidelines one must follow when purchasing a revered baseball jersey shirt.

1. You have to be in the same physical space as the jersey shirt to purchase it. You cannot go to the Orioles online team shop and purchase the all coveted Brian Roberts jersey. You better get your ass to Camden Yards or a random Baltimore area mall and cop it from there. Online is illegitimate.
2. When considering a jersey shirt from a team that isn't your hometown team, you must think of the repercussions of purchasing a certain player. Picking Jeter or A-Rod (or a plethora of other Yanks) makes you a casual fan. But a Morgan Ensberg jersey puts you in the know.
   
3. The older shirts are always cooler. If you have a Roberto Alomar Blue Jays shirt, then you are the man. A Soriano Yankees shirt is also pretty fucking awesome. But a jersey shirt of a player who had a very limited tenure on a certain team is ten times better. A great example would be the Soriano Nationals jersey shirt. If anyone has that, well, I admire your foresight. Any sort of Kenny Lofton shirt would fit the bill here.
   
4. This rule may actually be an addendum to the previous one. Shirts of players who completely tanked or disappeared from the majors are worth a ton. Remember Sammy Sosa used to play for the Orioles? Awesome jersey shirt. My buddy Bryan has a John Rocker Indians jersey shirt. Jon Rocker! Fucking awesome. Any post Indians Roberto Alomar shirts (Mets, White Sox, or Diamondbacks) would also get some value.
   
5. Always purchase for the future. Sure my Ken Griffey, Jr Cincinnati Reds shirt isn't so awesome now. But when he gets traded later this year, it'll be badass. A Josh Hamilton Reds jersey is probably also on the rise (along with Edinson Volquez Rangers shirts).
   
6. Trades are completely acceptable. If you are willing to part with a jersey shirt for one that you think is better, then do it. This is usually done by trading home team jersey shirts that have piled up over the years. A fair trade would be something like Grady Sizemore for Cole Hamels or Chase Utley.

Those are my guidelines for purchasing jersey shirts. If you guys have any more, just put 'em in the comments section. Also buying an orange San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds jersey and wearing it, well, anywhere is ballsy. That might be the only way to get around all of the aforementioned rules. But if you want legitimate jersey shirts the guidelines listed above should get your started on a legendary collection.

Please Stay Out of Jail Bills

James Hardy, the Bills second round pick, allegedly pointed a gun at his father. Marshawn Lynch allegedly hit a girl at 3:30 a.m. in downtown Buffalo. Are the Bills the new Bengals? I hope not.

The only logical thing I could think to do to stave off having to think about Marshawn's possible legal problems is a presentation of the Bills jerseys through the years.









This is just a small selection, but I think it demonstrates how bad ass the old jerseys are compared to the uber lame four different colored disasters that the Bills wear these days (not counting the glorious throwbacks). The Bills have two different color blues on their helmet stripe, along with red and white. I am extremely color blind and I know that doesnt look right. If you look back the Bills kept things simple---red, white, and blue. The best, most respectable NFL Jerseys are the simple ones. The Packers, Bears, Steelers and Raiders have virtually no change in their jerseys in the Super Bowl era. I understand that the Bills are in a small market and new jersey designs usually create a spike in jersey sales, but still the greatest spike in jersey sales is drafting and signing competent players. The Bills have not excelled in this area to be sure.

If I had my way I would just have them wear their original jerseys all the time. The thought of the Bills wearing white throwbacks with Buffalo Blue pants (or even white pants) is enough to give me Colbie Caillat style tingles that start at my toes. Wow that is really not masculine. Something that IS masculine though is zubaz pants. I wish the NFL would give them back their licensing deal because though cool, the Zubaz now are single color and more zebra than Zubaz.

I loved the Jim Kelly era Bills uniforms but would be okay with relegating THEM to the alternates, as opposed to the way it is now. I am NOT a fan of the 1994 red helmets with red jerseys. That is almost as bad as when the Giants wear red jerseys with their blue helmets with no red on them, or when the Dolphins where their orange jerseys.








The Bills current jerseys reprsent nothing but perpetual putridity. A change is in order please. Also, Bills, please, please, stay out of jail.

Questionable (but Awesome) Sports Fashion Trends of the Past

Sports always inspire us. Whether it is to go onto the driveway and shoot free throws until your arms fall off or run 5 miles a day to be like one of those Champions League midfielders, watching sports as kids gave us motivation. The only downside to this was that it motivated us to dress like our favorite stars too.

I remember begging my parents for one of those cool Starter jackets ages ago. You know, the pullover winter coats with the huge logo on the back. Kids would get mugged all over the country for those things. If I recall correctly, people would get stabbed for Raiders jackets. The problem with Starter jackets was that they were marketed as a winter coat. And everyone who has had one knows they don't do shit in the winter. Remember sledding and getting snow plowed into your coat? Or even slowly freezing to death at the bus stop? Yeah they were big and cost $100 1990 dollars, but the didn't do shit. You can buy a fleece for that much (or less if inflation is taken into account) now at North Face that'll keep you alive in worse conditions.

Hats have always been a big accessory to us sporty children. I can't even count how many hats I have or have had. In elementary school they were those cheap adjustable hats created by just about everyone. In middle school it was those same hats worn backwards. But in high school, well, there came the variety.

Almost everyone who wanted to be part of the growing hip hop universe sported the fitted cap backwards. Obviously all the tags and stickers were kept on there and the brim was incredibly flat. Was it me or were these hats always accompanied by some oversized shirt of some kind (Nautica or Tommy branded of course) and extremely baggy/sagging jeans?

The preppy kids (read: white) almost always had those adjustable white hats with the arching college logos. The most infamous one was the USC Gamecocks hat. What 10th grader wouldn't love to wear a hat that proclaims "Cocks" on the front in bold red lettering? But they couldn't be pristine white. To preserve the balance in the hat universe and counter the "just purchased" look of the hip hop clique, the preppies dirtied their hats and constructed ridiculous brims by either putting rubber band around them or stuffing them into cups. Usually these hats were accompanied by khaki pants and some sort of polo type shirt.

And how about those Umbro shorts? I remember kids wearing those things middle school with briefs. Totally gross. But, I mean, it was cool when the chicks did it. However, it was disconcerting that the only thing between you and the dude next you was a sheer piece of nylon. And what if a no reason boner reared its ugly head? That nylon was not going to cover it up at all. What were we thinking wearing those to school?

Then there were the Coed Naked shirts. These things were banned in my high school. If we were caught wearing them, we had to either take them off or cover them up. But with witty slogans like "Coed Naked Soccer: We get our kicks on the grass" or "Coed Naked Tennis: Its in, its out, its over" how could hormonally imbalanced teens resist? My all time favorite was definitely "Coed Naked Firefighting: Find 'em hot, leave 'em wet." Just incredible.

Finally, who could forget the Zubaz pants. My associate B-Rad recently purchased a pair of Browns Zubaz pants from a discount clothing store for me. It was an appreciated gift that I will one day wear to a Browns game in the dead of winter. With nothing else on underneath. Isn't that how you're supposed to rock the Zubaz pants? Anyway, for those of you not familiar with these classics, they are basically MC Hammer pants with tiger stripes on them that use your team's primary and secondary colors (ie the Browns had brown, orange, white, and black on them). I remember Deion Sanders stalking the Dallas sideline wearing these things. Hideous but awesome.

Stay tuned, next time I'm going to talk about current hideous sports fashion trends and the rules of wearing and purchasing MLB jersey shirts. Yes, the words Danny Tartabull and Mariah Carey Jordan jersey dress will be used in the same sentence.

When You Can't Beat 'Em, Be Racist

This Democratic primary season has been defined by nothing more than heavy media involvement. The lastest results are broken down, analyzed in unnecessary detail, spun heavier than an Ayn Rand yarn. Did you know that people over 60 who are white, uneducated, like Hershey bars, prefer Coke to Pepsi, and take showers in the morning instead of the evening tend to vote for Hillary Clinton? And that minorities with college education and a taste for grape drink tend to side with Barack Obama? But that isn't racist or anything because the demographics back it up. Right?

But it isn't the press I'm worried about. Their love for ratings fuels the excessive analysis and spin put these statistics on the air. I'm more disappointed at Senator Clinton resorting to these demographics in her dogged pursuit of the nomination. After barely pulling of a victory in Indiana and losing handily in North Carolina, the New York senator's hopes for becoming nominee have dwindled to almost nothing. As a response, her campaign has increasingly pointed out the disparity in the voting demographics. Apparently, Senator Obama can't win the old white middle class, uneducated vote. But that's not racist because the demographics back it up.

I don't think so Hillary. This is stark racism. The Clinton machine has resorted to the underhanded tactic of playing the subtle racial divide that pervades American culture. They are saying, "America won't vote for a black man as their president." What is more disappointing is that the "Obama-biased" press does nothing to report on this blatant racism. Maybe they think that playing the discrimination card will alienate even more white voters from supporting Obama in November. And that could very well be the case. But we should at least expose Hillary for what she is becoming: A desperate politician who is willing to destroy her party's chances at winning the White House for nothing more than what she views as her manifest destiny.

Is this the audacity of hopelessness that America deserves in its next president? Do we want someone who has the gall to determine that America isn't ready for a minority president? This is the same candidate who, apparently, runs on the premise that women are equally qualified to win the White House as men are. I'm not contesting this proposition. But it is interesting to note that a candidate who fights for equal recognition is simultaneously undermining another candidate trying to achieve something equally as historic.

Senator Clinton's campaign has been mired with cynicism from day one. She'll be great cynic from day one if elected. It's policies reflect the thinking of generations passed. One that divides the world into enemies and friends. One that hasn't understood the dynamics of the 21st century and has led America to lose the moral authority it once used to wield in the name of Pax Americana. It is the campaign that went from being the presumptive nominee to being the squabbling loser in a matter of months while squandering unlimited resources and establishment goodwill. Do we need another president that is efficient at losing favor and wasting resources?

It is time for the Democrats to lower the hammer. The party has been plagued for being too soft in the past. The lost the 2004 election because they didn't propose a different foreign policy that differed from the Republicans. They have traditionally been looked at as bleeding heart politicians who don't have the wits to protect this country in times of need. This squabble between candidates and refusal by party leadership to do anything about it only furthers that perception. If the Democrats can't bring their house to order, then how can we expect them to bring the United States to order? The party needs to show leadership and force Clinton to drop out. The earlier the nominee is determined, the more time the Democrats have to rebuild their coalition and establish a sense of solidarity as they make a historic push for the White House. The time for half measures and talk are at an end.

Only if Darius Songaila Was Playing!

Finally, the Cavaliers delivered the one way ticket to the offseason to the annoying Wizards. It took a game too long if you ask me. Through all the trash talking, hard hits, close games, and blowouts, the Wizards were forced to eat their words and wait another year to exit from the postseason in the first round. But that didn't stop the Wizards from talking some more after they were pasted in an elimination game at home. You'd think at least that would shut up these idiots. Apparently not.

Apparently Darius Songaila's suspension was one of the key reasons the Wizards lost game 6. I'm sure his 5 points and 3 rebounds would have made the difference in a 20 point loss. Did I mention it was in Washington? Or maybe a healthy Gilbert Arenas would have made the difference. Yeah I'm sure that his personal grudge against the Cavaliers and terrible shot selection would have pushed it to a game 7. Perhaps for one game the Wizards would have actually played better with Gilbert than without him. Thank you Antonio Daniels for you analysis and breakdown. Enjoy the summer.

But it really doesn't matter what the Wizards said after the game. One could just equate them to petty children unable to accept a lopsided defeat by a better squad. However, their actions during the game were also pretty deplorable. They had no chance after allowing the Cavs to go on a 12-0 run to end the half. But they continued on their version of the Lebron Rules. To be fair, I'm a fan of hard fouls and accept that they are prevalent in playoff basketball. However, there is a line to be drawn between a hard foul and attempt to injure. The Wizards have been playing the latter almost exclusively this series.

The Brendan Haywood flagrant 2 in game 2 was a prime example. He followed up his suspension by calling Lebron a crybaby and then playing 30 minutes with 4 points and 6 fouls. Great job Tar Heel. Way to prove that the only one of your pedigree worth anything is Mike. Then there is Caron Butler. The Deshawn Stevenson blatant swipe at Lebron's head was another. Don't tell everyone it was unintentional when there is TV footage of you staring Lebron down after the swipe. Did your stupid ass forget you play on national TV? Or do you take your whole "you can't see me" thing literally. Pathetic. And then there is Caron Butler who finally seemed to have stepped up with his winner in game 5; only to regress into a thug who tanked an elimination game at home. Great swipe at Lebron's balls, Caron. Real classy.

The fact of the matter is this: the Washington Wizards are a terrible playoff team. They are the Phoenix Suns of the Eastern Conference. They play a fun style that doesn't translate into playoff success. Sure they can score 109 when nobody is playing defense in the regular season. But they can't reproduce their success when teams step up the pressure. They had one good victory in this series only because the Cavs decided not to show up that night. Otherwise, they were handled. They are a soft team that doesn't play defense and is mentally fragile. When things don't go their way, the stitching unravels. In this series, they psyched themselves out by talking all that smack and trying to live up to the hype they themselves created. If you can't win an elimination game at home, or even come close, then face it: you're not cut out to win in the second season. Fact is fact.

Finest of Mediocrity

This summer I've made it a goal to visit various ballparks on the eastern seaboard. I'm not sure how many I'll actually go to but every time I visit one, there will be a (probably scathing) review. I've already had a chance to attend a Friday night game at Shea. I'll write a full review later, but honestly it could be summed up in one word: shitty.

I had a chance to visit some friends in Washington DC this past weekend. The weather was beautiful and the ladies were looking great (despite my friend's wife's assertion that people in DC were smart and ugly). I drove in on Friday and planned on going to a Nationals game that night. Luckily for us, the Nationals are terrible and tickets weren't going to be that difficult to come by.

Before I get into the specifics of the ballpark, allow me to set the scene a bit. Nationals Park is in an area of DC known as Southeast. It has traditionally been a pretty poor neighborhood and construction of the park here was a blatantly obvious move towards gentrification of the area. Not surprisingly, DC Metro was all over the scene and overall they kept people going to the game from getting lost in the jungle that is our nation's capital.

The best way to get to the park is by taking the Metro and getting off at the Navy Yard stop on the green line. Once you exit the station, just follow the crowd and/or horse mounted police to the stadium's center field entrance. One of the coolest things I noticed at the stadium was the automated ticket machines that were available. You basically just operate it like a ticket machine at a movie theater and use your credit card. Voila! Tickets are printed and you're ready to go. Obviously, the lines to use these were about ten times shorter than the ticket window. The tragic flaw of this approach was that only one credit card could be used to purchase multiple tickets.

Naturally, we wanted cheap tickets so we looked for a scalper. Let me tell you something: there is no more difficult place to find a scalper than at a Washington Nationals game. Seriously. It took about 20 minutes until someone approached us. So he gave us 3 $10 tickets that were upper deck, last row, on first base side. These tickets sucked, but we figured we could just sit anywhere. As a side note, these tickets were season tickets and this guy had about 50 in his hand. Apparently he thought he could make money buying a variety of season tickets, in various sections, and selling them at face value. Obviously he overestimated people's enthusiasm for a new ballpark.

Anyway, we get into the ballpark and it is, well, new. And honestly that is really all I can say about its construction. The park itself has very little personality. It appropriately personifies political correctness in our nation's capital. Architecturally the park is reminiscent of the mid 90's ballparks that were cookie cutter and attempted to recreate the magic of Camden Yards or Jacob's Field. However, there is nothing unique about Nationals Park. Sure, they do a president's run every game where big headed mascots run around the stadium, but who doesn't nowadays? What was more disappointing though, was that the park fails to utilize the DC skyline effectively. You can't see any of the monuments and only a parking garage and sky are visible when looking into the outfield. Even the team shop was pretty forgettable. It was small with absolutely no variety of apparel whatsoever. To the park's credit, they do have a games area with Playstation3, speed pitch, and batting cage as well as a bar in center field that has standing room.

The food is a different story however. There is a variety of delectables ranging from Hebrew National quarter pound hot dogs to Five Guys Burgers and Fries, a DC staple. Obviously everything was pricey (the cotton candy was $10!). The chili dogs were very good as was the variety of ice cream. And yes, the ice cream was served in mini-helmets. Nationals Park also did a service to humanity in general by providing dispensers of "brown mustard" (known colloquially to Midwesterners as Stadium Mustard).

Overall, the park was a disappointment. Being the newest addition to the MLB family of ballparks, Nationals Park had very little to offer outside of the standard ballpark fare. The construction was spartan and amenities were almost non-existent. However, if you live in the DC area and want to enjoy a ballgame, its not that bad. There are virtually no lines and the crowd is pretty good natured as to how bad the Nationals are. So if you want to get wasted and act like a complete asshole, Nationals Park is for you!