In a major life decision, I've come to terms with who I am and have given myself over to the Sith. Not because they are sweet and run the optimal form of governance known as complete dictatorship. But because I am full of anger. It would be damn near impossible for me to keep my lightning bolts and lightsaber away from certain people. And the best part about it is, I'd completely justify it to myself like all those crazies do. I'd be doing the world a fucking favor by unleashing waves of fury onto the following douchebags.
First, Bill Simmons needs to stop writing on a major outlet. His homerism has gone beyond humorous to downright embarrassing. Look, he has the right to root for his teams and revel in the Red Sox World Series. He can even touch himself to the Pats undefeated record (losing to Bills this Sunday). And you know what? I'll even let him constantly bitch about everyone hating the Patriots because they cheat. But, seriously, shut the fuck up Simmons. I've actually been reading this jackass for the past couple of months and saving stupid shit that he's said so I can rip him one before the year ends.
- The fucking Dolphins trading Chris Chambers for a goddamn second round pick is not lopsided. And it certainly wasn't done with the intent to protect the '72 record. Miami fucking blows and they know it. They need to unload their big money eaters and get younger. They wouldn't trade their #1 receiver solely to screw the Pats out of a perfect season. That is conspiracy theory talk that happens in college apartments, not on a supposedly legitimate column. Asshole.
- The fucking Patriots won against the Colts two weekends back. But from reading Simmons you'd think that the refs took a fucking monkey wrench to Brady's knees. Stop being so goddamn defensive about the Patriots. They are stomping on everyone in the fucking league! Holy shit, if I have to read one more thing about this from Simmons, I'll seriously fly to LA and eat his newborn baby while shitting on whatever Red Sox/Patriots things I can find. What a dick.
You are the MVP and nobody is signing you? Guess what, reality checks eat donkey shit. Nobody wants your stupid ass because you choke when it matters and your teammates hate you. You can't steal bases anymore and your fielding is average. Sure you hit the shit out of the ball, but so do other guys. S o do other guys who win championships. David Ortiz has comparable offensive stats and he saves his team defensively by not playing at 1st base. All you do is sit there and fuck up hard hit grounders and fly balls. And that's worth $30 million a year?!? Oh, and did you forget? You are 32 years old you stupid fuck! You have about 3-4 prime years left. Your 10 year deal won't even be half done and you'll be worth even less. David Ortiz makes $12 million per season. And all he does is put up comparable stats and hits in clutch fucking situations. Once you stop striking out 15 times in a division series, then ask for that salary you perma-tanned faggot. I'd love nothing more than to see you crawl back to the Yankees and take a fucking paycut. Then live on your knees sucking dick for the remainder of your contract. In fact, every Yankees fan should be able to ejaculate on your face for what you tried to pull.
Finally, Bob Costas and Keith Olbermann should just give each other hand jobs under their desk during the originally titled "Football Night in America". Seriously, did the stupid fucks at NBC open that up to a contest for 3rd graders? You can't come up with something that sounds better? Maybe like "Arrogant Pricks Talking About Football, Night". Olbermann is an awful highlight announcer. Every time he fucking announces a highlight he has to make some smartass comment that he hopes Costas laughs at. Seriously, I think Costas gives him a fucking snack every time he makes a fucking funny.
And speaking of Costas, what a pretentious cocksucker. Hey, great use of hyperbole for every joke you tell! That's awesome! You're so smart and creative. Nobody has ever used gross exaggeration for humor purposes. How about you stop trying to impress the football players around you and just host the goddamn show? Let Collinsworth do his analysis and crack his dumbass jokes. Seriously, Costas is like the nerdy kid who starts hanging with the cool kids in college and tries real hard during orientation to be cool. Then they'd dump his ass because he's a douchebag. I bet Tiki and Jerome talk about how sweet it'd be to run over Costas on a half back power. Fuck you Costas. I'm sure I can sound just as good if some Harvard intern scoured a thesaurus for me and if I lowered myself to using sarcasm for humor. How about you go back to Syracuse and get your fucking degree? Dropout.
Alright, I'm off to kill some Jedi kids at the temple. Hopefully they didn't read Simmons and hang themselves already.
3 comments:
Bill Simmons is dead to me. He's like the kid you used to be friends with in high school, until his dad won the lottery, bought him a Mercedes convertible and he became such an insufferable jackass that you decided to bash his head in with a crowbar, subsequently spent the next 25 years in jail, then once you got out, went straight to his grave and took a dump on his tombstone.
I still find Simmons amusing. Not in the way I used to, but the mailbag is still well done. Most of it is readers, but still. I agree his Patriots, Red Sox, and now Celtics articles will be tough to read.
Don't be jealous of Costas.
haha geez dude, you need to relax. Go rub one out or something.
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