Lucky Man

It is now 8:22 PM on Sunday night and the Eagles are already down 7-0. Three plays run by the Birds and they have managed to give up a defensive touchdown. Pathetic. I expect them to lose, but lets try not to embarrass the City too much.

Watching AJ Feeley throw a perfect pass to Patriots corner Asante Samuel prompted me to Wikipedia this chump. Here are a couple of key notes in the AJ Feeley biography:

• A.J. Feeley is often confused with Miami Dolphins kicker Jay Feely.
• He was dating Heather Mitts until they broke up in March 2007.
• Feeley was referenced to in the South Park episode Trapped in the Closet, in which Eric Cartman gets angry over getting "another crappy A.J. Feeley card."

Additionally, Heather Mitts has a great caboose.

The Death of the Middle Class

The free agency season in baseball is in full swing this winter. A-Rod finally signed with the Yankees after astutely deducing that no other team could afford his agent's outrageous demands. What a shocker. Was there any doubt that Rodriguez wouldn't sign with a team from New York? Not really considering the fact that Rodriguez would consume about 40% of the average team's annual payroll.

The Angels seemed to be a good fit initially but the finances inexplicably didn't work out. Apparently Morero would have had to sell his children to pay off the loan he'd have to take out to pay Rodriguez. Does that even make sense? The Angels are perennial contenders in one of the top three biggest viewer (and probably most bandwagon) markets in the country. They sell out regularly and probably made a killing on apparel due to all the bandwagoners in LA that hit the team store in late September. And the still couldn't sign A-Rod.

However, the Angels were able to snag Torii Hunter for $18 million a year for 5 years (yeah, I did that in my head). We can sit here and argue whether or not that deal is fair or not, but the point is everyone knew that Hunter was looking for a deal in a neighborhood that only a few teams could viably offer. This is the dilemma that all smaller market teams like the Twins are going to face indefinitely. Their young, developed talent is going to migrate towards the big market teams when payday inevitably arrives.

This vicious cycle is known in the real world as capitalism. Those who have, have. And those who don't, don't. And to compete with the haves, the little guy has to produce with ingenuity and resourcefulness. The A's, Twins, Indians, Marlins, and Diamondbacks have all succeeded recently due to exceptional scouting, player development, and patience. But how far does that really get them? When did those teams, most notably the Twins, Indians, and A's win it all? Never. I exclude the Marlins and Diamondbacks because their championship teams were bought and summarily disbanded through clearance sales about a week after.

The Twins and A's were always competitive but never good enough to beat the high roller teams in October. Common sense would dictate that this is due to the lack of veteran players on the smaller teams. Veterans still worth their salt demand ridiculous contracts that would theoretically take them into retirement. These are usually long term and fat. Smaller teams would rather divert their resources to player development and long term deals for their home grown talent. This strategy will work for the mid term, but what happens when that talent blossoms and free agency strikes. Those guys go to the Angels, Yankees, Red Sox, and to a lesser extent the Orioles, White Sox, and Rangers (if they love money and losing).

What's even more disturbing is that salaries are becoming inflated once again. Look at Barry Zito's contract. He didn't pitch anywhere near what his contract price is. Now teams like the Twins pay the piper for the Giant's callous spending because Johan Santana is worth about 10x more than Zito. They offered Santana $20 million a year for 4 years and he turned it down. Not a big surprise.

So the Middle Class of baseball is dying. They raise young talent and it is ripped away from them by the big paychecks. It's the spirit of America you say. But it may also spell doom for MLB. If 3 of the 4 playoff teams each year repeat, where is the thrill anymore? Where is that hope that fans of that other playoff team might have? It's gone. Sure their team is on top now, but in 3 years everyone is going to hit free agency and the dream of a Cinderella championship goes with them. And then what? Rebuilding? Yeah, thats that period in between winning seasons when nobody watches their team.

MLB needs to fix this problem and the MLBPA needs to wake up. Sure revenue sharing is great. I mean now teams like the Royals can afford Gil Meche! I'm sure that put abou 0 fans into the seats in Kansas City. Maybe they need to learn from the NFL. NFL games are perpetually sold out. Even in towns like Cleveland, Buffalo, Houston, and San Francisco where the teams have been mediocre at best the last few years. People still come.

Maybe it's due to the fact that America's passion is football. But, it may be due more to the fact that the NFL's salary cap and revenue sharing system allow more teams to be competitive. Every year the NFL puts new teams into January and every year people love it. If baseball could somehow level the playing field, it could get more fans to attend games across the spectrum. I don't see how this escapes the MLB brass. Yankee Stadium can only hold some 40 thousand people. But if you filled half of all other stadiums more regularly you can sell more tickets than if you sold out the Bronx and Fenway combined. Put in other way, parity equals more money.

The grunts of the NFL figured it out. How come you good ol' boys can't?

Shamed.

I'd like to apologize to America for the Bills performance on National TV last night. Wow. The thing that really amazed me about the Patriots was how badly they want to obliterate you. Tom Brady especially, was relentless. Brady was flagged for intentional grounding and just went nuts on the ref arguing a pretty bad case. Whenever he misfired (which wasn't often) it was like he was watching his parents be tortured by Peyton Manning. He seemed completely oblivious as to the score. It was strangely transfixing.

I'd also like to welcome Patriots fans to an exclusive list of football fans that every other team hates. I'd say that with relative ease all fans of the other now 29 teams despise fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Dallas Cowboys. The Patriots are joining that bastard fraternity. Even as we speak eleven and twelve year old douche bags are looking to jump on the bandwagon. These pathetic creatures are looking to boost their life happiness because their hometown team is not as good. They want to be a part of a winner because they are losers in life. The male fans sport their Brady jerseys while ruminating what would happen if they put their pinky finger in their butt. The ladies, are even worse, drawn to Tom Brady's rugged sexiness these ingrown vulva hairs don't know who has the ball, but believe it is their right to talk smack like this guy:

And nobody...I mean nobody talks smack like Dig Em Frog.

I Will Kill Everyone

In a major life decision, I've come to terms with who I am and have given myself over to the Sith. Not because they are sweet and run the optimal form of governance known as complete dictatorship. But because I am full of anger. It would be damn near impossible for me to keep my lightning bolts and lightsaber away from certain people. And the best part about it is, I'd completely justify it to myself like all those crazies do. I'd be doing the world a fucking favor by unleashing waves of fury onto the following douchebags.

First, Bill Simmons needs to stop writing on a major outlet. His homerism has gone beyond humorous to downright embarrassing. Look, he has the right to root for his teams and revel in the Red Sox World Series. He can even touch himself to the Pats undefeated record (losing to Bills this Sunday). And you know what? I'll even let him constantly bitch about everyone hating the Patriots because they cheat. But, seriously, shut the fuck up Simmons. I've actually been reading this jackass for the past couple of months and saving stupid shit that he's said so I can rip him one before the year ends.

1. The fucking Dolphins trading Chris Chambers for a goddamn second round pick is not lopsided. And it certainly wasn't done with the intent to protect the '72 record. Miami fucking blows and they know it. They need to unload their big money eaters and get younger. They wouldn't trade their #1 receiver solely to screw the Pats out of a perfect season. That is conspiracy theory talk that happens in college apartments, not on a supposedly legitimate column. Asshole.
2. The fucking Patriots won against the Colts two weekends back. But from reading Simmons you'd think that the refs took a fucking monkey wrench to Brady's knees. Stop being so goddamn defensive about the Patriots. They are stomping on everyone in the fucking league! Holy shit, if I have to read one more thing about this from Simmons, I'll seriously fly to LA and eat his newborn baby while shitting on whatever Red Sox/Patriots things I can find. What a dick.

Next, Alex Rodriguez has to shut the fuck up and play. You know what, I hope he goes crawling back to the Yankees just to show how pitiful his bitch ass really is. And just to emphasize how badly I want to choke him with the Force, I'll do the rest of this paragraph as if I were talking to him:

You are the MVP and nobody is signing you? Guess what, reality checks eat donkey shit. Nobody wants your stupid ass because you choke when it matters and your teammates hate you. You can't steal bases anymore and your fielding is average. Sure you hit the shit out of the ball, but so do other guys. S o do other guys who win championships. David Ortiz has comparable offensive stats and he saves his team defensively by not playing at 1st base. All you do is sit there and fuck up hard hit grounders and fly balls. And that's worth $30 million a year?!? Oh, and did you forget? You are 32 years old you stupid fuck! You have about 3-4 prime years left. Your 10 year deal won't even be half done and you'll be worth even less. David Ortiz makes $12 million per season. And all he does is put up comparable stats and hits in clutch fucking situations. Once you stop striking out 15 times in a division series, then ask for that salary you perma-tanned faggot. I'd love nothing more than to see you crawl back to the Yankees and take a fucking paycut. Then live on your knees sucking dick for the remainder of your contract. In fact, every Yankees fan should be able to ejaculate on your face for what you tried to pull.

Finally, Bob Costas and Keith Olbermann should just give each other hand jobs under their desk during the originally titled "Football Night in America". Seriously, did the stupid fucks at NBC open that up to a contest for 3rd graders? You can't come up with something that sounds better? Maybe like "Arrogant Pricks Talking About Football, Night". Olbermann is an awful highlight announcer. Every time he fucking announces a highlight he has to make some smartass comment that he hopes Costas laughs at. Seriously, I think Costas gives him a fucking snack every time he makes a fucking funny.

And speaking of Costas, what a pretentious cocksucker. Hey, great use of hyperbole for every joke you tell! That's awesome! You're so smart and creative. Nobody has ever used gross exaggeration for humor purposes. How about you stop trying to impress the football players around you and just host the goddamn show? Let Collinsworth do his analysis and crack his dumbass jokes. Seriously, Costas is like the nerdy kid who starts hanging with the cool kids in college and tries real hard during orientation to be cool. Then they'd dump his ass because he's a douchebag. I bet Tiki and Jerome talk about how sweet it'd be to run over Costas on a half back power. Fuck you Costas. I'm sure I can sound just as good if some Harvard intern scoured a thesaurus for me and if I lowered myself to using sarcasm for humor. How about you go back to Syracuse and get your fucking degree? Dropout.

Alright, I'm off to kill some Jedi kids at the temple. Hopefully they didn't read Simmons and hang themselves already.

The Fans of the San Diego Chargers are dumb.

Last night, during the Colts-Chargers game San Diego embarassed themselves. The city named after a whales vagina (I know not really) lived up to its moniker with its asinine cheers for Norv Turner's challenge of an obvious inteception in the endzone. Sure, the interception was one of the unlikeliest I've ever seen and brought back memories of the Packers/Vikings Monday Night game of 2000 (Michaels' famous "He did what?" call), but it was an interception nonetheless. After being stupid the first time the fans topped themselves when they booed the officials again after the call was upheld. Embarassing San Diego...embarassing

Looks like my Adrian Peterson injury prediction came right at the nick of time. Sorry Adrian.

I'd also like to give a shout out out to the Detroit Lions. Down 17, facing a fourth and one about half way through the fourth quarter they elect to go for it. A simple field goal kick would have been the smart play. They ended up losing by ten and nearly recovering an onside kick. If they would have kicked the field goal, they could have been kicking a meaningful onside kick at the end of the game. I know that may seem like excessive Monday morning quarterbacking, but I was a very disapointed Jason Hanson owner at that particular moment. The Lions losing to the Cards is big for the Cardinals in their fight for the NFC West, and huge for the Lions who at 6-3 and having the Pack twice, Giants, Cowboys, and Chargers on the lineup are not looking such a strong 10-6 bet anymore.

Where is God now Kitna?

NFL Mid Season Review

The cool thing these days is to say the level of play in the NFL is low and there are no good teams. I think this is a good thing.


First, there is the great stories of the possibility of the Patriots shoving the 72 Dolphins champagne bottles up their ass. That is exciting. There is nothing more agonizing than every season having to hear Dan Dierdorf or some other "color commentator" talk about some old crusty guys who once wore aqua. In my mind the only good thing the 72 Dolphins have accomplished is Larry Csonka's illustrious broadcast career on American Gladiators.


Second, on the other side of the spectrum the St. Louis Rams, and more likely I hope, the Miami Dolphins are giving the immortal 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (at that time playing in the AFC West) a run as the only team ever to win ZERO games. Should be interesting.



Look at this guy! Truly a swashbuckling buccaneer!




Third, it seems like more teams have a chance. Now more than ever, with the exception of the Patriots and Colts, any team can really beat any team. That is exciting.

So back in September I brought up the interesting statistic (always ignored by experts) that three last place teams every year become playoff teams. This year at the halfway point the prediction would work swimmingly. If the playoffs started today the Browns, Bucs, and Lions would all count themselves among the playoff teams. I predicted the Texans, Redskins, and Bucs. I still think the Skins are possible, but was off on the Lions. As for the Texans, I think absent the Andre Johnson injury they could legitimately two wins better.

Another nugget I brought up was that in the first couple games the Ravens of Baltimore were outscored 35-16 in the fourth quarter. As evidenced by the game in Pittsburgh, and to a lesser extent against Buffalo, the Ravens now routinely get outscored in all quarters.

In other less solid predictions I hailed Shaun Alexander for not going soft after his only good game of the season. He has done nothing but suck since I praised him. I was also very hard on the Saints, saying basically that they sucked. After winning four in a row they are making believers out of most and are a high mover in most power polls, but I'm still not buying it. I say an 8-8 finish and the Bucs still taking the South.

So after keeping it real with my early season notes and predictions here's what I expect to see in the second half of the season:

1- The NFC West division winner will have at best an 8-8 record. Don't be surprised if its the Cardinals.

2- Though people are starting to ride the Lions hard they still have two games against the Packers, Giants, Cowboys, and Chargers still on their schedule. If the Lions are going to make the playoffs they are going to earn it.

3- Adrian Peterson runs too high. He is creating a media frenzy now, but I wouldn't be surprised to see him on the injury report before the end of the season.

4- Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid are in their last season in Philadelphia.

5- No team in the AFC South will finish with a losing record (Texans, Titans, Jags, Colts).

6- If the Patriots are undefeated going into the Giants game in Week 17 Time Warner will burn for not allowing people to watch NFL Network.




Oh and for my last prediction...


7- The Bills will make the playoffs (ahhh mid-season optimism).

Hmmm...Where Did I Put Those Stamps?

Wow, these guys are pretty fucking good. I guess we're gonna lose regardless of how well I play, so I might as well take it easy. You know, "get my teammates involved" or whatever. I mean as long as I pass the ball off and they take shots, I still look good right? I mean just because Damon Jones sucks and can't hit open jumpers doesn't mean I'm bad.

I mean, I'm Lebron James global superstar. Who cares if Damon Jones has a shoe deal in China, all they know is that I'm the best. They probably don't even know where Cleveland is. Hell I don't even know where that shit is. But I'm allowed to not know these things because I'm the Chosen One. Shit, I guess I should go to the rim now. Oh, three defenders...no problem. I'll just chuck it in the general vicinity of the basket and hopefully it goes in. If not, then at least I'm trying to "take over the game" but am not getting any help from my teammates. If it does, then its a testament to my amazing athleticism. I love when the press fellates me.

Man, this shit is hopeless. Look at the Mavericks, they're so good. I mean they can put like 6 guys out there that can play. Here I am stuck with the rejects. It's like high school all over again and that white kid on our squad was Damon Jones. Damn he sucks. God, how many times is Coach going to put him in when we need defense? Fuck. Ah well, maybe I'll just get another foul and sit on the bench for the rest of the half. Yep, that sounds about right. Wait, I didn't even score a point this half? Ah well, this game was over before it started anyway.

God, I wish I could just simulate this game until the end like in NBA Live. I guess I'll just run around and take off balance jumpers and hope they fall. Hey look, we're making a run. We've cut the lead from 25 to 17. If I tried the lead would probably still be at 10. Good thing I decided to mail this one in. I mean as long as we make the playoffs, they can't blame the fact that this team blows on me, right? Then I can blame management and get the fuck out of here in 2 years. Until then I can stand around, bite my nails, and miss free throws. Sounds like a plan.

I wonder what the postgame spread looks like. Those nachos that fat guy in the front row look great. Mmmm...nachos.