Sunday, January 20, 2008

Dear Descartes, I Have Proof That God Doesn't Exist

Ah, Championship weekend in the NFL. This is the time when rivalries are created and great games are played. Hell, the Chargers almost seemed like they had a fighting chance against the Patriots. Either that or the Pats are getting a little worse as their deal with Mephistopheles is beginning to fade as he considers Archie Manning's offer.

With the divine Packers falling to the generally mediocre Giants, the Super Bowl is now an event where evil has won. Think about it. If the Patriots fulfill their destiny, we would have to crown a cheater and deal with the most obnoxious fans in pro sports today. Furthermore, the armies of Hell will be gathering at La Port de l'Enfer for when the Celtics get their shot at the NBA title. Then evil might be unstoppable in the form of Mickey from Southie.

And the team that is our only hope of defeating the Pats? Oh yeah, they are on the wings of signing with team Lucifer after the Patriots' contract expires. If the Giants somehow emerge victorious, then the Manning brothers will have won consecutive Super Bowls. Jesus, we'd have to put up with that statistic until aliens come to our world in 1000 years and blow us to bits. I'm already convinced that Archie Manning is a lesser demon in Satan's realm, so what's not to say that he didn't sign a little pact of his own? It would explain the sudden excellence of play the Giants are demonstrating...

Plus, I'd have to deal with every Tony, Sal, and guido fuck in Jersey for the next year wearing their brand new Ahmad Bradshaw jerseys talking about football like they know something about it.

Either way, we're all fucked. And that's why God doesn't exist. If He were listening, he'd have the Patriots in the Super Bowl against the beloved Packers and the gunslinger Brett Favre. Evil is always personified as cold and calculating like the Patriots and their surgical West Coast attack. Good is in the form of the crazy firebrand who does whatever it takes to get the job done.

It would have been a classic matchup of good vs. evil, East Coast yuppies v. everyone else, and everyone would be have a rooting interest. Now we have to deal with supreme evil against rising evil, Guidos against Micks, and Boston versus New York (again). Jesus, at least the goddamn Knicks eat dick.

Eat it Descartes, cognito ergo sum is bullshit. Maybe you should have created some other crazy mathematical formulae for me to memorize in high school instead of listening to the voices in your head (aka God).

No comments: