Blue

I woke up today and realized that I hate myself. It only took a series of smaller revelations, one 27” television and a look in the mirror.

I realized that Jared Lorenzen is listed at 285 pounds. And then I remembered that I was listed in my high school football program at 5’9” when I was actually 5’6”.

I realized that Osi Umenyiora vowed to jump off the George Washington Bridge if he wasn’t the best defensive end in the NFL this season. Part of me actually believed him.

It had something to do with the fact that Brandon Jacobs broke down week one when I didn’t expect him to fall apart until week eight.

I remembered that I spent roughly three hours of my life searching the Internet for a picture of a claymation character from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer with red cheeks that looks just like Tom Coughlin. And I never did find that picture.

I realized that although I hate seeing Tiki Barber in a suit behind a desk, and that as much as I hate the fact that he criticizes his former team on national television, I can’t help but think what nice teeth he has.

I remembered that while Jeremy Shockey is healthy now, I know that he will be questionable by week three with an ankle injury. These are the things I can count on in life.

I realized that the only thing more nauseating than looking the back of a defensive back’s jersey as he chases a receiver with five yards between them is doing the same when that defenders initials are “R.W.”

I concluded that no hope is probably better than false hope.

I realized that in addition to the heartache and stomach pain caused by each game, I will have to grip my remote control on commercial breaks again this season for fear of another “Our Country” commercial. Obviously my letters of complaint to Chevrolet made no impact. Hopefully my boycott will.

I wonder what Trey Junkin is doing right now.

This morning I looked on the countertop in the bathroom and didn’t see a glass half full. I saw a bottle of Pepto Bismol two thirds empty. I chugged most of it during halftime and after the game.

I hate myself because I love the New York Giants.