Something we already knew, but...

Peter King is retarded. And lazy. Observe:

“I think I wish the NFL would stop using the Roman numerals. Call it Super Bowl 43, not XLIII. Who knows what XLIII is, and who will know what XLIV is next year? Is that 44 in Roman numerals?”

I happen to like the Roman numerals, and “Super Bowl 43” just looks cheesy. If you aren’t going to use the Roman numerals, why even bother? Just call it the Super Bowl. Maybe I’m just an elitist, but I’m pretty sure that most people know the Roman numeral system, or at least re-learn it every January. If I could learn it in fifth grade, it can't be that difficult. Traditions shouldn’t be stopped just because people are too stupid to understand them.

Worst Superbowl Ever

Yeah, I said it. And it hasn't even been played yet. But c'mon, we already know that this is going to be one huge load of shit. Honestly, if this game actually turns out to be decent, most people will go nuts and declare it a classic due to the dearth of expectations. The only thing good to come out of his "media week" are pictures of Jeff Reed and backup Steelers players with hot chicks in Tampa. Otherwise, as my esteemed colleague pointed out, I couldn't care less about Larry Fitzgerald Sr., Ken Wisenhunt's vengeance, or Hines Ward's messed up Asian knee.

Obviously I have a personal rooting interest against the Steelers in this situation. Being from Cleveland and knowing a ton of Pittsburgh folk makes me hate the Steelers more than anything in this world (A-Rod, Baltimore come close). However, what is worse is that the Cardinals are so crappy. They are possibly the worst team ever to make it to the Super Bowl. They won the worst division in the history of the NFL then beat three teams that for some reason shit the bed on those given Sundays/Saturdays. All in all, the Cardinals have very little chance of beating the Steelers.

So in my mind, I have already crowned my biggest rival the Superbowl champion. This is like thinking about approaching Marissa Miller at a bar and asking to buy her a drink. You've already rejected yourself in the fantasy before any affirmative action has been taken. And there is about a good a chance of me getting a response from Ms. Miller as there is the Cardinals beating the Steelers. This whole foregone conclusion thing really takes the wind out of the big game. Not to mention the 2 week recess and the nonstop media coverage dissecting everything from Mike Tomlin's Omar Epps likeness to the question of will Leinart ever return to the Super Bowl.

I guess the only option I have, and you should have, for Sunday is to get reasonably drunk and root against the Steelers. There is some solace in Pittsburgh losing to the worst Super Bowl Champion in the history of the NFL. It's like watching one of your friends bang one of the chicks from the Hills and thereby spiting Brody Jenner. You feel good for your friend, but you revel in the misfortune of Brody Jenner. Schadenfreude saves the day once again.

One Super Bowl Preview with a side of apathy

Does it make me a bad sports fan if I don’t care about the Super Bowl matchup? I know the league likes to have its two-week break between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl, but the loss of momentum is pretty noticeable. Sure, the teams can get a little healthier. And yes, all the journos will have an extra week to dig up all those great stories we care so little about. Larry Fitzgerald’s dad is a sportswriter? Awesome! The Arizona coach used to coach at Pittsburgh, and now has a chance for revenge? Sweet!

The truth is that no amount of stories can make up for a crappy game. Last year’s game was a classic, but of the last ten Super Bowls only half have been decided by a touchdown or less. And even that doesn’t make it a good game. I consider myself a decently knowledgeable NFL fan, but I had completely forgotten that the Eagles had even played in a Super Bowl just a few years ago, so clearly not a memorable game. In retrospect, the only thing I remember is the “McNabb throwing up in the huddle” controversy.

Arizona is riding a nice wave of momentum, but I have to think that the extra week off is going to destroy that. Pittsburgh’s defense is clearly one of the best, if not the best, in the league, and I don’t see them getting shredded like Philly or Atlanta. Either way, this game is going to be a blowout. If Pittsburgh’s defense gets going, Big Ben will only need a couple of touchdown drives to salt away the game. If Arizona gets a few quick scores early in the game, the Steelers are screwed because they aren’t built to come from behind. So, with that overly simplistic analysis, I predict a blowout for one of the teams, and therefore, a crappy game.

You might think this is leading towards one of those “I’ll be more interested in the commercials than the game”, but no. And I hate those people. You’re really going to spend four hours to watch commercials? Unless you’re a girl and have to watch the game with your boyfriend/husband, don’t bother. Hopefully I’ll end up somewhere with free beer, and the night won’t be a total loss.

Why I Choose the Ravens

As a Browns fan this is probably the closest it comes to an Armageddon scenario in the NFL. The hated Ravens of Baltimore pitted against the evil Steelers of Pittsburgh for a chance at the conference crown. Somebody kill me know. This is like watching the Taliban fight Al Qaeda. Who should we root for? Or should we hope the powers that be somehow kill both sides? I'd prefer the latter but lets be realistic here, God doesn't exist. And I'm sure smiting the scourge of the AFC wouldn't be on his to do list if He did. Only sweet gods do that. Like Zeus.

So I'm gonna go ahead and choose the Ravens for this game. My motto is that you gotta pick a side and stick with it. Can't be waffling around like John Kerry when it comes to important decisions. But didn't Baltimore steal your team? Why yes, observant cocksucker, they did. But that doesn't stop me from absolutely loathing the frontrunning Steeler fanbase. At this point the zombie armies of yellow and gold are eclipsing Red Sox nation as the most annoying fans in the world.

Everywhere I go I see a fresh decal or pristine new Steelers jersey being paraded around like it was won in a battle to the death. Oddly enough there are a disproportionate amount of Hines Ward, Ben Roethlisberger, and Troy Polamalu jerseys. What happened to Jerome Bettis, Bam Morris, Neil O'Donnell, Kevin Greene, and Rod Woodson ones? OH YEAH, those guys never won a fucking Super Bowl!! So it dawned on me, these assholes are all freeloaders.

I refuse to believe that Pittsburgh, a small market surrounded by other NFL markets (Cleveland, Philly, Buffalo, Cinci) can muster up such national support. There just aren't enough people to explain the copious amounts of Steelers fans EVERYWHERE. Sure you can attribute it to the Pittsburgh diaspora, but that usually means that the people that left hated the place enough to actually move their asses out. I guess a Super Bowl victory brings out super fans in even the most self loathing person. "Hey I got this Hines Ward jersey two years ago and I love the Steelers! But I'll NEVER go back to that hellhole!" Fuck you Steelers fans.

The Ravens, on the other hand, have a very docile east coast suburban fan base that really doesn't give a shit about their team. They seem like they're at the stadium because its something to do (besides getting shot) in Baltimore. I guess the National Aquarium with its $30 admission fee doesn't seem so appealing in this economic climate. These fans wear purple camo. You really can't hate them that much, and trust me, I HATE the Ravens. I even urinated on M&T Stadium or whatever its called during a recent trip to that shithole. Also, Ed Reed is a monster. I can't help but root for him to lay out Hines Ward or pick off Roethlisberger for a 70+ yard TD.

I hate myself.

What Eli Manning Doesn't Have

Balls. If you answered with "the ability to throw a spiral", then you'd also be correct. However, the most important attribute that Eli lacks is balls. Peyton has balls. Tom Brady has balls. By balls, I mean the ability to control the huddle and control your selfish wide receivers. I remember reading reports on how Jeremy Shockey would change the play in the huddle, or try to, when Eli was first drafted. This is completely unacceptable for a quarterback. Do you think Joe Flacco puts up with whining from his receivers? Hell no, that guy is a serial killer (seriously look into his eyes and tell me he isn't).

I think that the ability to control the offense with grit and personality is an underrated aspect when evaluating a potential quarterback. It takes more than a laser arm, good looks, and intelligence to be a quarterback in the NFL. You have to be a manager. There are tons of quarterbacks who had all the "tools" necessary to succeed in the NFL but outright failed to do so. Ryan Leaf, Drew Henson, Derek Anderson, JP Losman, Alkili Smith, the list goes on forever. What these guys didn't have was the temperment to put up with asshole position players and the gumption to put them in their place.

Look at Peyton in the huddle. He's yelling at everyone. You think he gives a flying fuck what Reggie Wayne thinks of him outside of the playing field? Hell no. Tom Brady put Randy Moss, yes Randy "I ran over a female cop" Moss, into a subordinate role. You think winning culture has something to do with that? Then how come the Cowboys can't control T.O.? Because Romo is a pussy. Just like Eli Manning. He literally cannot get Plaxico Burress to care about football the way that Peyton and Brady can get their offenses to realize the football season is greater than any one individual.

Its a trait of a great athlete that is overlooked. Tim Duncan yells at everyone on the court to stay in position. Michael Jordan used to call teammates at practice "faggots" if they didn't play up to his standard of manliness. It is the definition of leadership. Quarterbacks need to be the asshole sometimes and Eli Manning has to learn that. Roethlisberger controls Santonio and Nate Washington. Dickface Rivers knows how to handle DUI Jackson. Drew Brees can handle Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and the rest of that crew. Eli can't. That's why he'll never acheive greatness in the NFL. That's why he's probably the most overrated quarterback of our time. That's why I simply can't understand how they won the Superbowl last year.

Just when you think you have it figured out...

I didn't boast (unlike certain people who will probably etch their 08 Devil Rays pick on their gravestone) about going 4-0 in NFL playoff picks because I knew that it would all come crashing down. I did not realize the flourish in which the picks would falter.

Titans v. Ravens
I liked my Titans pick. I think the Titans were the better team, but the Ravens deserved the win. Two turnovers by the Ravens D deep in their territory was classic bend/don't break veteran defense. The Ravens also were lucky. On offense, the play clock obviously struck zero before the snap, but it was not called and the Ravens were allowed to complete a pass to Todd Heap to set up the game winning field goal. Chris Johnson's injury was huge as he was having a productive game, and LenDale White cannot run on the Ravens. White can run on a soft team like the Bengals or Browns, but not the Ravens. The Titans offense is not as imposing without him. After the game, and being informed that my perfect predictions were over, I told Rahul that I would be wrong on all the games...

Panthers v. Cardinals
I watched the opening drive of this game, 7-0 Panthers lickity split. Since the Sabres were playing the Red Wings and Cuse was playing Rutgers my buddy OC and I didn't check the score until sometime in the third quarter when it was 27-7. We were shocked. That was the game Vegas made a killing on. I still can't believe it. The Cardinals are awful. Their week 16 47-7 drubbing at the hands of the Patriots was the Cardinals I remembered. Sure Jake Delhomme was putrid, but still...

Giants v. Eagles
I should have known former Bills offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride would find some way to mess up the Giants run. His refusal to give the ball to Brandon Jacobs is indefensible. I know Jacobs was stuffed on one of the many 3rd and 4th and shorts, but they would not have been in that position if they just gave the big man the ball more. I do legitimately worry for America if Philadelphia follows up the World Series with a Super Bowl win. Isn't this one of the signs of the Apocalypse?

Steelers v. Chargers
My one upset special is the one that failed. I did like Phillip Rivers being a cocky jerk though even when the game was out of hand. I've been telling anyone who will listen that Big Ben is five years away from being Drew Bledsoe, but yesterday he proved me wrong. I had a bad feeling about this pick after the Vincent Jackson DWI, those kind of distractions usually equal a loss.

So I'm still hoping for a winning playoff pick em season and am not scared to make my picks on Monday. I'm going with the Ravens and the Eagles, of course that means that the Cardinals and Steelers should get ready for Tampa.

The Elias Life Bureau

For Christmas my parents gave me a ipod Touch. My phone is a Blackberry, and I drive a Ford Edge with Sync Technology...all are interesting gadgets. Each of these advances would pale in comparison to the Elias Life Bureau. Just as Wikipedia and the mobile internet have ended bullshitting by assorted blowhards, the Elias Life Bureau would end all traditionally unquantifiable manliness arguments. How many times have you doubted a friends "number" or how much they can bench press? The Life Bureau would let us know. A machine/person that follows you around all day, or is implanted in you that gives you the statistics of life. Think of the nearly infinite benefits:

• Every man has that "critical cocktail" that amount of alcohol that will determine whether you are going to be a stud that night or suffer from whiskey dick. The Elias Life Bureau would let you know.

• You would be able to tell how much money you spent on each girlfriend. This could cause an increase in depression and break-ups.

• Discover your all-time pick up basketball record, beer pong record, softball batting average, and bar fight records.

So hopefully Steve Jobs figures out what is wrong with his hormones and invents this machine. All mankind would be happy.

Playoff Predictions
A perfect 4-0 the first playoff weekend. It will be nearly impossible to repeat that feat as three of the four games really could go either way. History says go with the home teams despite how sexy the Ravens, Eagles, and Chargers currently look. Since 1990 the home teams have a ridiculous 55-17 record. I think this is a year where at least one of the roadies wins. I'll go with the Panthers, Giants, Chargers, and Titans.

NFL Playoff Predictions

Oh I'm getting in on these playoff predictions. I mean, I predicted the Devil Rays! Yes, its a different sport but still...so awesome. Anyway here they are.

Colts (fags) over Chargers (bigger fags)

What a shitfest of a game to pick. These teams should have been left for dead about 6 weeks ago but somehow managed to make the playoffs in the AFC. I'm going with the Colts on this one because the Charger's pass defense is sluttier than a Wall Street whore during a recession (topical humor!). I can see Peyton Manning having a day on this secondary and Reggie Wayne putting up some big numbers. Don't underestimate the Colts, they still have the weapons to be dangerous...except in cold weather climes. Pussies.

Stabbers over Tunas

Yeah I hate the Ravens, but their defense is way too good to count out. The Dolphins have some speed on their offense but that gimmick wildcat won't fool Rex Ryan and the Raven's drug enhanced defense. I don't see Chad Pennington as a quarterback who can beat the Ravens. On the same thought process I'm not sure Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown are hard nosed enough to beat the Ravens' linebacker corps made of Uru-kai Orcs. Was that a racial insult? You decide.

Angry Fat People over Laid Back Fat People

I have no idea why I'm making this pick but it probably has something to do with the fact that the Vikings are starting Tarvaris Jackson against a good Eagles defense. They do have Adrian Peterson on the field, but there's only so much that he can do. The Vikings have a pretty good defense of their own but McNabb, Westbrook, and company have been playing inspired ball ever since Reid benched McNabb a few weeks back. This game will probably be a close affair but the Eagles should pull it out. Watch out Giants, these guys are real and you guys are overrated.

Dog Fighters over Best of the Worst

Matt Ryan and the dirty birds will continue their impressive run against Kurt Warner and the blowout birds of Arizona. Sure the Cards are division winners but when you consider the fact that they won the worst division in the history of the NFL, it becomes less impressive. Celebrate all you will Cardinals fans, the division still sucks. The Cardinals' defense is terrible and they won't be able to stop Michael Turner on the ground. This game probably will be a shootout, but I see the Falcons making more stops than the Cardinals.

Lets see how these football predictions go. I think my darlings will be the hated Eagles. Only because I hate the Giants and Steelers more and they have endeared me to their weekly inconsistency and Desean Jackson shenanigans.