The Elias Life Bureau

For Christmas my parents gave me a ipod Touch. My phone is a Blackberry, and I drive a Ford Edge with Sync Technology...all are interesting gadgets. Each of these advances would pale in comparison to the Elias Life Bureau. Just as Wikipedia and the mobile internet have ended bullshitting by assorted blowhards, the Elias Life Bureau would end all traditionally unquantifiable manliness arguments. How many times have you doubted a friends "number" or how much they can bench press? The Life Bureau would let us know. A machine/person that follows you around all day, or is implanted in you that gives you the statistics of life. Think of the nearly infinite benefits:

• Every man has that "critical cocktail" that amount of alcohol that will determine whether you are going to be a stud that night or suffer from whiskey dick. The Elias Life Bureau would let you know.

• You would be able to tell how much money you spent on each girlfriend. This could cause an increase in depression and break-ups.

• Discover your all-time pick up basketball record, beer pong record, softball batting average, and bar fight records.

So hopefully Steve Jobs figures out what is wrong with his hormones and invents this machine. All mankind would be happy.

Playoff Predictions
A perfect 4-0 the first playoff weekend. It will be nearly impossible to repeat that feat as three of the four games really could go either way. History says go with the home teams despite how sexy the Ravens, Eagles, and Chargers currently look. Since 1990 the home teams have a ridiculous 55-17 record. I think this is a year where at least one of the roadies wins. I'll go with the Panthers, Giants, Chargers, and Titans.