Friday, January 16, 2009

Why I Choose the Ravens

As a Browns fan this is probably the closest it comes to an Armageddon scenario in the NFL. The hated Ravens of Baltimore pitted against the evil Steelers of Pittsburgh for a chance at the conference crown. Somebody kill me know. This is like watching the Taliban fight Al Qaeda. Who should we root for? Or should we hope the powers that be somehow kill both sides? I'd prefer the latter but lets be realistic here, God doesn't exist. And I'm sure smiting the scourge of the AFC wouldn't be on his to do list if He did. Only sweet gods do that. Like Zeus.

So I'm gonna go ahead and choose the Ravens for this game. My motto is that you gotta pick a side and stick with it. Can't be waffling around like John Kerry when it comes to important decisions. But didn't Baltimore steal your team? Why yes, observant cocksucker, they did. But that doesn't stop me from absolutely loathing the frontrunning Steeler fanbase. At this point the zombie armies of yellow and gold are eclipsing Red Sox nation as the most annoying fans in the world.

Everywhere I go I see a fresh decal or pristine new Steelers jersey being paraded around like it was won in a battle to the death. Oddly enough there are a disproportionate amount of Hines Ward, Ben Roethlisberger, and Troy Polamalu jerseys. What happened to Jerome Bettis, Bam Morris, Neil O'Donnell, Kevin Greene, and Rod Woodson ones? OH YEAH, those guys never won a fucking Super Bowl!! So it dawned on me, these assholes are all freeloaders.

I refuse to believe that Pittsburgh, a small market surrounded by other NFL markets (Cleveland, Philly, Buffalo, Cinci) can muster up such national support. There just aren't enough people to explain the copious amounts of Steelers fans EVERYWHERE. Sure you can attribute it to the Pittsburgh diaspora, but that usually means that the people that left hated the place enough to actually move their asses out. I guess a Super Bowl victory brings out super fans in even the most self loathing person. "Hey I got this Hines Ward jersey two years ago and I love the Steelers! But I'll NEVER go back to that hellhole!" Fuck you Steelers fans.

The Ravens, on the other hand, have a very docile east coast suburban fan base that really doesn't give a shit about their team. They seem like they're at the stadium because its something to do (besides getting shot) in Baltimore. I guess the National Aquarium with its $30 admission fee doesn't seem so appealing in this economic climate. These fans wear purple camo. You really can't hate them that much, and trust me, I HATE the Ravens. I even urinated on M&T Stadium or whatever its called during a recent trip to that shithole. Also, Ed Reed is a monster. I can't help but root for him to lay out Hines Ward or pick off Roethlisberger for a 70+ yard TD.

I hate myself.

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