Sorry '72 Dolphins, Your Yolk is Over

Holy shit. Am I glad I don't have to listen to the stories of the goddamn '72 Miami Dolphins anymore. It's about time those old bastards shut the fuck up. If there is anything positive about the 2007 Patriots, its that they really stole the perfection spotlight.

They ran the table on the defending Super Bowl champion Colts and every division leader the played including Dallas, Pittsburgh (crushed), and San Diego. Additionally, half their schedule (including the 10-6 Browns) consisted of playoff teams. Honestly, I don't know who the '72 Dolphins played in their 14 game season. But what I do know is that no team had a better record than 8-6. And further, I'm pretty sure that only two teams were at 8-6.

Now the icing on the cake - yes, I'm talking about statistics! The Pats had a +315 point differential this year! Seriously. That is more points than 11 NFL teams managed to put up the entire season! That differential is 100 points more than the Dolphins. If we took the averages, the '72 team would have had a 70 point differential deficit to the Pats in a 16 game season. Thats two 35 point shutouts for you mathematically disadvantaged youth of America.

So eat it, Shula. Don't produce comments your wife makes you apologize for less than 24 hours after the fact. The '07 Pats could've seriously ended your team's life. Madden '08 says so. And that's as good as the words of Steve Young.

Now, don't get me wrong, I agree that the Patriots still have to win the whole thing to be considered the greatest. That's usually how these things work (I'm looking at you 2001 Seattle Mariners). But if they do, they will have gotten through one of the toughest schedules in recent memory. And look at the playoff teams. Not including the shitty Titans, there are absolutely no cakewalks for the Pats. They'll most likely have to get through the Colts on their way to Green Bay in the Super Bowl. Personally, I'd be more frightened of the Jaguars if I were a Masshole.

So the kicker of the '72 Dolphins can shut his mouth. There won't be any champagne popping from those senile bastards anymore. Thank you Tom Brady and Randy Moss. Thank you for ending this farce of a reign we'd had to put up with for what seems like eternity. Now if only someone can stop the Celtics.

Nukes and Bocce Ball, Not Football

You know, its only appropriate that our playoff shots were dashed by Jim Giraffe Neck Sorgi and town drunk Kerry Collins. And by something dumb like losing to the Raiders/Bengals/Cardinals. Fuck you, fate.

Perhaps next year....oh wait, probably not. We get to play the AFC South and NFC East along with the second place AFC teams! At least we can still beat Buffalo...

Almost Only Counts in Bocce Ball and Nukes

You know, I should be nothing short of ecstatic about the unexpected performance of my beloved Cleveland sports teams in 2007. The Indians were up 3-1 on the Red Sox in the ALCS and almost made it to the Series. The Cavs won the Eastern Conference and almost gave the Spurs a fight in the finals. And whatever the Browns do this weekend, they will have almost done whatever we would have wanted them to do. If that makes any sense, congratulations.

Anyway, the point is almost doesn't mean shit on the shores of Lake Erie. Almost doesn't give us trophies, championship t-shirts, nor much revered bragging rights. It only gives us random surges of rage at what could have been. Trust me, I still curse Jose Mesa without any provocation.

Why couldn't the Indians just win one more game!? They would've been a lock against the Rockies! Even if the validity of that latter statement is questionable, it's the way our logic operates.

If the refs knew what a forward lateral was, the Bills would've been in the Superbowl! I don't agree with Bills fans on this, but I understand where they're coming from.

If Steve Bartman wasn't retarded, the Cubs would have won it all! Fuck him! Seriously? C'mon guys, thats a stretch. And yes, I included the Cubs for the sole reason of insulting Chicago fans.

Where is this rant taking me? Who knows. I think it was a rant about the Browns so let's go with that. The Brownies could have locked up a playoff spot last week with a win at Cincinnati. Obviously Derek Anderson threw 4 picks. Two of those led to Cincy touchdowns in the span of about 45 seconds. The other two were in the in the red zone and end zone. Despite his shittiness, the Browns were still one pass away from winning the game. Whatever. The point is they have to depend on the Titans losing to the Colts' second stringers to make the playoffs. Fuck.

But honestly, we should be happy that the Browns are even in contention to make the playoffs right? I mean they started off the season getting anally penetrated by the hated Steelers. Then they traded their starting quarterback for some skittles and a handjob. The chants of Brady Quinn were silenced by the playmaking of 6'7 Derek Anderson. Yes, the white guy from Oregon not the shooting guard for the Cavs circa 1998. And there were all those kardiac kid moments that led to games won. And just as many games lost. All in all they came out to 9-6 so far with a shot at the playoffs.

If Sunday leads to the expected disappointment, then 2007 will be complete. We'll be disappointed at another Cleveland team which overachieved for once. Because if they made the playoffs this year, they'd have whooped on the Patriots and made the Super Bowl! And maybe thats the way we like it. After eons of disappointment, maybe we're all content with being guarded dreamers because reality bites a little too hard. If the Brownies made playoffs and lost, that fantasy wouldn't exist.

But honestly, fuck that. We want playoffs, not some pussy ass daydream we could talk about around the water cooler. We want to shit on Steelers fans and lynch Steely McBeem. Remember, almost only counts for two things on the great shores of Erie: bocce ball and nukes.

The Battle of Lake Erie

On January 6, 1990, the "Old Browns" (the team that would leave Cleveland become the Ravens and win the Super Bowl) played the Buffalo Bills in a heartbreaking game that fractured my 8 year old psyche.

The 89 season is kind of the lost season during the Bills amazing run. In 88 everyone was so excited the Bills were good, their loss to the Bengals in the "jungle" did not seem so bad. However, in 89 the Bills were suddenly favorites to go to the Super Bowl. After a disappointing regular season, the Bills still made the playoffs where anything could happen.

"Anything can happen" hasn't really been kind to the Bills (besides the greatest comeback ever). Usually "anything can happen" is a missed kick to lose the Super Bowl, or an insane lateral with seconds left on the clock that knocks you out of the playoffs. This forgotten "anything can happen," the Bills had the ball on the Browns 12 yard line and were trailing 34-30 with just a few seconds remaining. Jim Kelly threw a perfect pass to Ronnie Harmon which he inexplicably dropped.

The next play Clay I sell cars in Cleveland Matthews picks off Jim Kelly at the one yard line with 9 seconds left ending the Bills season.
The game did, however, give us the above amazing Don Beebe picture which has made innumerable highlight videos.

Flash forward 18 years and the Bills and "new" Browns meet in Cleveland in what is for all intents and purposes a playoff game. I'm hoping the game sparks a new rivalry between the Lake Erie teams. It is a very doable drive (my brother and his posse are going to the game), and the argument over who has suffered more is always heated. Also, the teams will meet again next year as both have wrapped up second place in their respective divisions. I'm giddy.

I'm also starting to believe in Trent Edwards. His 70 yard touchdown to Lee Evans on Sunday was beautiful. I am glad JP got another chance, I think he deserved it. Unfortunately, for JP it did not work out. Like an insecure girl who jumps from long term boyfriend to long term boyfriend Edwards has me hooked.

Other NFL thoughts:

• It doesn't look like three last place teams are going to make it to the playoffs this year. I hope only one does, as Cleveland is the only serious contender left. You can pretty much stick a fork in the Redskins, Lions, and Cardinals because of the inspired play of the Vikings.
• In my fantasy playoffs I am playing the team that has Tom Brady and Ladanian Tomlinson...pray for me.
• Am I the only one excited for the return of Kyle Orton? He better have his Scott Niedermayer like beard on display too.
• I can't believe NBC flexed the Vikings/Redskins game. Granted, I am totally biased, but I wanted Bills/Giants. No matter the network it is 100% guaranteed that the Scott Norwood kick will be shown and discussed---Bills fans just be prepared.

Hooray for Joe!

I'd like to thank Joe Gibbs for being old and stupid.

Was the NFL really that different in the 80s that he was able to take three differently horrible quarterbacks (Joe Theisman, Doug Williams, and Mark Rypien) to Super Bowl Championships, but now can't get out of his own way?

I think the time out just before the ball is snapped thing is getting really old too. I think they should go back to the old rule where only players on the field are able to call time-outs. I mean the NFL has made it a major point of emphasis that every team has captains, they should do something besides call heads or tails.

Other NFL thoughts:

• The Lions might as well stop playing. They have to play the Cowboys, Chargers, and Packers, and Chiefs. They went from playoff team to possible top ten pick real quick.
• The AJ Feely love affair was short lived, but I still think that Donovan is done in Philly.
• If the Chargers beat the Titans next week and the Bills take care of business in Buffalo against the Dolphins the Bills v. Browns game in Cleveland will be huge for that last AFC playoff spot.
• Reggie Bush stinks. Yeah, Sean Payton should not have called a gimmick reverse play in the fourth quarter, but still it is a player's responsibility not to make a horrible lateral. Didn't he do something like that against Texas in the BCS game?
• In the 2006 last place team playoff watch: The Bucs barring a collapse are in. The Cardinals, Lions, Browns are still alive.
• Rian Lindell may spell his name like a guy who has pantie lines from his tighty whities and wranglers, but he's hit 17 field goals in a row tying the Bills record set by the immortal Steve Christie.
• Why was I the only one in my twenty plus yahoo pick em league that took the Raiders over the Broncos? Sometimes coaches go over the deep end with their egotism. Mike Shanahan has been teetering there for a couple of years now--inexplicably loading his defensive line with former Cleveland Browns and the third round drafting of Maurice Clarrett are just two examples. Last week's just plain silly kicking and punting to Devin Hester I think was the tipping point. Plus, the Raiders have really been playing better. Justin Fargas has been a fantasy waiver wire vulture's dream.
• Its halftime right now in the Pats/Ravens game and the last two weeks the Pats have looked very beatable, especially in inclement weather. This Patriots team is not like the tuck rule team that grinded teams out and won close games. A snow game in Foxboro actually might hurt the Patriots this time around.

Lucky Man

It is now 8:22 PM on Sunday night and the Eagles are already down 7-0. Three plays run by the Birds and they have managed to give up a defensive touchdown. Pathetic. I expect them to lose, but lets try not to embarrass the City too much.

Watching AJ Feeley throw a perfect pass to Patriots corner Asante Samuel prompted me to Wikipedia this chump. Here are a couple of key notes in the AJ Feeley biography:

• A.J. Feeley is often confused with Miami Dolphins kicker Jay Feely.
• He was dating Heather Mitts until they broke up in March 2007.
• Feeley was referenced to in the South Park episode Trapped in the Closet, in which Eric Cartman gets angry over getting "another crappy A.J. Feeley card."

Additionally, Heather Mitts has a great caboose.

The Death of the Middle Class

The free agency season in baseball is in full swing this winter. A-Rod finally signed with the Yankees after astutely deducing that no other team could afford his agent's outrageous demands. What a shocker. Was there any doubt that Rodriguez wouldn't sign with a team from New York? Not really considering the fact that Rodriguez would consume about 40% of the average team's annual payroll.

The Angels seemed to be a good fit initially but the finances inexplicably didn't work out. Apparently Morero would have had to sell his children to pay off the loan he'd have to take out to pay Rodriguez. Does that even make sense? The Angels are perennial contenders in one of the top three biggest viewer (and probably most bandwagon) markets in the country. They sell out regularly and probably made a killing on apparel due to all the bandwagoners in LA that hit the team store in late September. And the still couldn't sign A-Rod.

However, the Angels were able to snag Torii Hunter for $18 million a year for 5 years (yeah, I did that in my head). We can sit here and argue whether or not that deal is fair or not, but the point is everyone knew that Hunter was looking for a deal in a neighborhood that only a few teams could viably offer. This is the dilemma that all smaller market teams like the Twins are going to face indefinitely. Their young, developed talent is going to migrate towards the big market teams when payday inevitably arrives.

This vicious cycle is known in the real world as capitalism. Those who have, have. And those who don't, don't. And to compete with the haves, the little guy has to produce with ingenuity and resourcefulness. The A's, Twins, Indians, Marlins, and Diamondbacks have all succeeded recently due to exceptional scouting, player development, and patience. But how far does that really get them? When did those teams, most notably the Twins, Indians, and A's win it all? Never. I exclude the Marlins and Diamondbacks because their championship teams were bought and summarily disbanded through clearance sales about a week after.

The Twins and A's were always competitive but never good enough to beat the high roller teams in October. Common sense would dictate that this is due to the lack of veteran players on the smaller teams. Veterans still worth their salt demand ridiculous contracts that would theoretically take them into retirement. These are usually long term and fat. Smaller teams would rather divert their resources to player development and long term deals for their home grown talent. This strategy will work for the mid term, but what happens when that talent blossoms and free agency strikes. Those guys go to the Angels, Yankees, Red Sox, and to a lesser extent the Orioles, White Sox, and Rangers (if they love money and losing).

What's even more disturbing is that salaries are becoming inflated once again. Look at Barry Zito's contract. He didn't pitch anywhere near what his contract price is. Now teams like the Twins pay the piper for the Giant's callous spending because Johan Santana is worth about 10x more than Zito. They offered Santana $20 million a year for 4 years and he turned it down. Not a big surprise.

So the Middle Class of baseball is dying. They raise young talent and it is ripped away from them by the big paychecks. It's the spirit of America you say. But it may also spell doom for MLB. If 3 of the 4 playoff teams each year repeat, where is the thrill anymore? Where is that hope that fans of that other playoff team might have? It's gone. Sure their team is on top now, but in 3 years everyone is going to hit free agency and the dream of a Cinderella championship goes with them. And then what? Rebuilding? Yeah, thats that period in between winning seasons when nobody watches their team.

MLB needs to fix this problem and the MLBPA needs to wake up. Sure revenue sharing is great. I mean now teams like the Royals can afford Gil Meche! I'm sure that put abou 0 fans into the seats in Kansas City. Maybe they need to learn from the NFL. NFL games are perpetually sold out. Even in towns like Cleveland, Buffalo, Houston, and San Francisco where the teams have been mediocre at best the last few years. People still come.

Maybe it's due to the fact that America's passion is football. But, it may be due more to the fact that the NFL's salary cap and revenue sharing system allow more teams to be competitive. Every year the NFL puts new teams into January and every year people love it. If baseball could somehow level the playing field, it could get more fans to attend games across the spectrum. I don't see how this escapes the MLB brass. Yankee Stadium can only hold some 40 thousand people. But if you filled half of all other stadiums more regularly you can sell more tickets than if you sold out the Bronx and Fenway combined. Put in other way, parity equals more money.

The grunts of the NFL figured it out. How come you good ol' boys can't?

Shamed.

I'd like to apologize to America for the Bills performance on National TV last night. Wow. The thing that really amazed me about the Patriots was how badly they want to obliterate you. Tom Brady especially, was relentless. Brady was flagged for intentional grounding and just went nuts on the ref arguing a pretty bad case. Whenever he misfired (which wasn't often) it was like he was watching his parents be tortured by Peyton Manning. He seemed completely oblivious as to the score. It was strangely transfixing.

I'd also like to welcome Patriots fans to an exclusive list of football fans that every other team hates. I'd say that with relative ease all fans of the other now 29 teams despise fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Dallas Cowboys. The Patriots are joining that bastard fraternity. Even as we speak eleven and twelve year old douche bags are looking to jump on the bandwagon. These pathetic creatures are looking to boost their life happiness because their hometown team is not as good. They want to be a part of a winner because they are losers in life. The male fans sport their Brady jerseys while ruminating what would happen if they put their pinky finger in their butt. The ladies, are even worse, drawn to Tom Brady's rugged sexiness these ingrown vulva hairs don't know who has the ball, but believe it is their right to talk smack like this guy:

And nobody...I mean nobody talks smack like Dig Em Frog.

I Will Kill Everyone

In a major life decision, I've come to terms with who I am and have given myself over to the Sith. Not because they are sweet and run the optimal form of governance known as complete dictatorship. But because I am full of anger. It would be damn near impossible for me to keep my lightning bolts and lightsaber away from certain people. And the best part about it is, I'd completely justify it to myself like all those crazies do. I'd be doing the world a fucking favor by unleashing waves of fury onto the following douchebags.

First, Bill Simmons needs to stop writing on a major outlet. His homerism has gone beyond humorous to downright embarrassing. Look, he has the right to root for his teams and revel in the Red Sox World Series. He can even touch himself to the Pats undefeated record (losing to Bills this Sunday). And you know what? I'll even let him constantly bitch about everyone hating the Patriots because they cheat. But, seriously, shut the fuck up Simmons. I've actually been reading this jackass for the past couple of months and saving stupid shit that he's said so I can rip him one before the year ends.

1. The fucking Dolphins trading Chris Chambers for a goddamn second round pick is not lopsided. And it certainly wasn't done with the intent to protect the '72 record. Miami fucking blows and they know it. They need to unload their big money eaters and get younger. They wouldn't trade their #1 receiver solely to screw the Pats out of a perfect season. That is conspiracy theory talk that happens in college apartments, not on a supposedly legitimate column. Asshole.
2. The fucking Patriots won against the Colts two weekends back. But from reading Simmons you'd think that the refs took a fucking monkey wrench to Brady's knees. Stop being so goddamn defensive about the Patriots. They are stomping on everyone in the fucking league! Holy shit, if I have to read one more thing about this from Simmons, I'll seriously fly to LA and eat his newborn baby while shitting on whatever Red Sox/Patriots things I can find. What a dick.

Next, Alex Rodriguez has to shut the fuck up and play. You know what, I hope he goes crawling back to the Yankees just to show how pitiful his bitch ass really is. And just to emphasize how badly I want to choke him with the Force, I'll do the rest of this paragraph as if I were talking to him:

You are the MVP and nobody is signing you? Guess what, reality checks eat donkey shit. Nobody wants your stupid ass because you choke when it matters and your teammates hate you. You can't steal bases anymore and your fielding is average. Sure you hit the shit out of the ball, but so do other guys. S o do other guys who win championships. David Ortiz has comparable offensive stats and he saves his team defensively by not playing at 1st base. All you do is sit there and fuck up hard hit grounders and fly balls. And that's worth $30 million a year?!? Oh, and did you forget? You are 32 years old you stupid fuck! You have about 3-4 prime years left. Your 10 year deal won't even be half done and you'll be worth even less. David Ortiz makes $12 million per season. And all he does is put up comparable stats and hits in clutch fucking situations. Once you stop striking out 15 times in a division series, then ask for that salary you perma-tanned faggot. I'd love nothing more than to see you crawl back to the Yankees and take a fucking paycut. Then live on your knees sucking dick for the remainder of your contract. In fact, every Yankees fan should be able to ejaculate on your face for what you tried to pull.

Finally, Bob Costas and Keith Olbermann should just give each other hand jobs under their desk during the originally titled "Football Night in America". Seriously, did the stupid fucks at NBC open that up to a contest for 3rd graders? You can't come up with something that sounds better? Maybe like "Arrogant Pricks Talking About Football, Night". Olbermann is an awful highlight announcer. Every time he fucking announces a highlight he has to make some smartass comment that he hopes Costas laughs at. Seriously, I think Costas gives him a fucking snack every time he makes a fucking funny.

And speaking of Costas, what a pretentious cocksucker. Hey, great use of hyperbole for every joke you tell! That's awesome! You're so smart and creative. Nobody has ever used gross exaggeration for humor purposes. How about you stop trying to impress the football players around you and just host the goddamn show? Let Collinsworth do his analysis and crack his dumbass jokes. Seriously, Costas is like the nerdy kid who starts hanging with the cool kids in college and tries real hard during orientation to be cool. Then they'd dump his ass because he's a douchebag. I bet Tiki and Jerome talk about how sweet it'd be to run over Costas on a half back power. Fuck you Costas. I'm sure I can sound just as good if some Harvard intern scoured a thesaurus for me and if I lowered myself to using sarcasm for humor. How about you go back to Syracuse and get your fucking degree? Dropout.

Alright, I'm off to kill some Jedi kids at the temple. Hopefully they didn't read Simmons and hang themselves already.

The Fans of the San Diego Chargers are dumb.

Last night, during the Colts-Chargers game San Diego embarassed themselves. The city named after a whales vagina (I know not really) lived up to its moniker with its asinine cheers for Norv Turner's challenge of an obvious inteception in the endzone. Sure, the interception was one of the unlikeliest I've ever seen and brought back memories of the Packers/Vikings Monday Night game of 2000 (Michaels' famous "He did what?" call), but it was an interception nonetheless. After being stupid the first time the fans topped themselves when they booed the officials again after the call was upheld. Embarassing San Diego...embarassing

Looks like my Adrian Peterson injury prediction came right at the nick of time. Sorry Adrian.

I'd also like to give a shout out out to the Detroit Lions. Down 17, facing a fourth and one about half way through the fourth quarter they elect to go for it. A simple field goal kick would have been the smart play. They ended up losing by ten and nearly recovering an onside kick. If they would have kicked the field goal, they could have been kicking a meaningful onside kick at the end of the game. I know that may seem like excessive Monday morning quarterbacking, but I was a very disapointed Jason Hanson owner at that particular moment. The Lions losing to the Cards is big for the Cardinals in their fight for the NFC West, and huge for the Lions who at 6-3 and having the Pack twice, Giants, Cowboys, and Chargers on the lineup are not looking such a strong 10-6 bet anymore.

Where is God now Kitna?

NFL Mid Season Review

The cool thing these days is to say the level of play in the NFL is low and there are no good teams. I think this is a good thing.


First, there is the great stories of the possibility of the Patriots shoving the 72 Dolphins champagne bottles up their ass. That is exciting. There is nothing more agonizing than every season having to hear Dan Dierdorf or some other "color commentator" talk about some old crusty guys who once wore aqua. In my mind the only good thing the 72 Dolphins have accomplished is Larry Csonka's illustrious broadcast career on American Gladiators.


Second, on the other side of the spectrum the St. Louis Rams, and more likely I hope, the Miami Dolphins are giving the immortal 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (at that time playing in the AFC West) a run as the only team ever to win ZERO games. Should be interesting.



Look at this guy! Truly a swashbuckling buccaneer!




Third, it seems like more teams have a chance. Now more than ever, with the exception of the Patriots and Colts, any team can really beat any team. That is exciting.

So back in September I brought up the interesting statistic (always ignored by experts) that three last place teams every year become playoff teams. This year at the halfway point the prediction would work swimmingly. If the playoffs started today the Browns, Bucs, and Lions would all count themselves among the playoff teams. I predicted the Texans, Redskins, and Bucs. I still think the Skins are possible, but was off on the Lions. As for the Texans, I think absent the Andre Johnson injury they could legitimately two wins better.

Another nugget I brought up was that in the first couple games the Ravens of Baltimore were outscored 35-16 in the fourth quarter. As evidenced by the game in Pittsburgh, and to a lesser extent against Buffalo, the Ravens now routinely get outscored in all quarters.

In other less solid predictions I hailed Shaun Alexander for not going soft after his only good game of the season. He has done nothing but suck since I praised him. I was also very hard on the Saints, saying basically that they sucked. After winning four in a row they are making believers out of most and are a high mover in most power polls, but I'm still not buying it. I say an 8-8 finish and the Bucs still taking the South.

So after keeping it real with my early season notes and predictions here's what I expect to see in the second half of the season:

1- The NFC West division winner will have at best an 8-8 record. Don't be surprised if its the Cardinals.

2- Though people are starting to ride the Lions hard they still have two games against the Packers, Giants, Cowboys, and Chargers still on their schedule. If the Lions are going to make the playoffs they are going to earn it.

3- Adrian Peterson runs too high. He is creating a media frenzy now, but I wouldn't be surprised to see him on the injury report before the end of the season.

4- Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid are in their last season in Philadelphia.

5- No team in the AFC South will finish with a losing record (Texans, Titans, Jags, Colts).

6- If the Patriots are undefeated going into the Giants game in Week 17 Time Warner will burn for not allowing people to watch NFL Network.




Oh and for my last prediction...


7- The Bills will make the playoffs (ahhh mid-season optimism).

Hmmm...Where Did I Put Those Stamps?

Wow, these guys are pretty fucking good. I guess we're gonna lose regardless of how well I play, so I might as well take it easy. You know, "get my teammates involved" or whatever. I mean as long as I pass the ball off and they take shots, I still look good right? I mean just because Damon Jones sucks and can't hit open jumpers doesn't mean I'm bad.

I mean, I'm Lebron James global superstar. Who cares if Damon Jones has a shoe deal in China, all they know is that I'm the best. They probably don't even know where Cleveland is. Hell I don't even know where that shit is. But I'm allowed to not know these things because I'm the Chosen One. Shit, I guess I should go to the rim now. Oh, three defenders...no problem. I'll just chuck it in the general vicinity of the basket and hopefully it goes in. If not, then at least I'm trying to "take over the game" but am not getting any help from my teammates. If it does, then its a testament to my amazing athleticism. I love when the press fellates me.

Man, this shit is hopeless. Look at the Mavericks, they're so good. I mean they can put like 6 guys out there that can play. Here I am stuck with the rejects. It's like high school all over again and that white kid on our squad was Damon Jones. Damn he sucks. God, how many times is Coach going to put him in when we need defense? Fuck. Ah well, maybe I'll just get another foul and sit on the bench for the rest of the half. Yep, that sounds about right. Wait, I didn't even score a point this half? Ah well, this game was over before it started anyway.

God, I wish I could just simulate this game until the end like in NBA Live. I guess I'll just run around and take off balance jumpers and hope they fall. Hey look, we're making a run. We've cut the lead from 25 to 17. If I tried the lead would probably still be at 10. Good thing I decided to mail this one in. I mean as long as we make the playoffs, they can't blame the fact that this team blows on me, right? Then I can blame management and get the fuck out of here in 2 years. Until then I can stand around, bite my nails, and miss free throws. Sounds like a plan.

I wonder what the postgame spread looks like. Those nachos that fat guy in the front row look great. Mmmm...nachos.

The Most Expensive Whore

Red Sox fans complaining? Wow, that's a real fucking curveball. Even when their team wins the Classic, the "Nation" would bitch that they didn't win it in three games. Anyway, if there's one thing I hate more than Bandwagon Nation, it's Alex Rodriguez. And I must agree that Red Sox fans have a right to be upset at Boras' timing in announcing A-Rod's free agency. MLB rules state that he has 10 days after the end of the Classic to make his announcement. Too bad this fuck decides to do it during Game 4.

He's already the 2007 MVP and is guaranteed to be the highest paid player ever by some big market team willing to sell its soul for a cancer. He's had the press in NY follow him around from strip joint to strip joint and caught him hanging out for a day with an exotic dancer in Vegas. I mean there are even reports that he's an orgy guy. He made comments regarding his superiority to Derek Jeter when these two were supposedly sleepover buddies. Doesn't this sound like enough attention? Doesn't this sound like the shit that would fill up the New York Post for like 3 months? Can he be more of a $250 million attention whore?

We all know that he's not a winner. That's evident from his seasons with the Rangers and the Yankees. I made a prediction when the Yankees acquired Rodriguez that they won't win a World Series with him on their team. In fact, the Yankees failed to even get to the World Series with A-Rod on the roster. In their four postseason appearances they have gotten eliminated in the Division Series 3 times and had the historic 2004 collapse in the ALCS. Good insight? Not really. There have been reports for years that Rodriguez was a terrible teammate and a clubhouse icebox. And the Yankees were built on camaraderie and the concept of team. Ever since Steinbrenner started writing blank checks, they haven't been the same. This open checkbook policy and disregard for team building led to the A-Rod Era in the Bronx. Hindsight is a bitch.

On top of that, his clutch numbers have steadily declined since he left Seattle. As much as baseball is a 25 man effort, one big hitter in a lineup makes a huge difference. Just look at this past season. The Yankees were going nowhere but A-Rod pretty carried them and kept them within striking distance of a playoff spot. The peasants rejoiced. Then the postseason rolled around and all he did was strike out. This is typical fare. T he most telling moment came in Game 2 of the ALDS with the go ahead run on 2nd in the top of the 9th. Eric Wedge decided to pitch to A-Rod rather than put him on first. This was a blatant challenge by the Indians calling A-Rod out. Then Carmona put him down swinging. Microcosm.

Alex Rodriguez thinks he is bigger than the game. When an athlete takes this stance, they turn the fans against them. Remember when Kobe started the feud with Shaq and turned the Lakers into a roadside circus? He became the league's villain. But in recent seasons he's been putting his nose to the grindstone and just playing. He's become the assassin that has turned his image from rapist to unstoppable basketball force. Sure A-Rod had monster numbers, but couldn't do it in October with the best supporting cast money can buy. He is the most expensive loser money can buy. He'll take you where you want to go, but you might as well bench him after that.

The sad thing is, someone will pay $400 million for a great ride that comes with recurring burning and itching. But deals with the Devil are never cheap nor easy.

Sebastian Telfair Wants You to Watch His Last Years of Life

Hey! The NBA season is starting on Monday!

If you're like most people, myself included, you probably didn't know this until a few days ago. All I knew was that I hate the Red Sox ("The Nation") and the Browns are 3-3 with a chance at 4 wins. Anyway, I just don't really care about the NBA season. Compounded with the fact that I hate LeBron, this NBA season holds absolutely no appeal to me. And I'm sure most people feel this way.

This league has transformed into a sham in the past few years. Everyone is a pampered brat with a some sort of fucking destiny. Sure there are the standout players like Kobe, Wade, Dirk, Nash, and Garnett. But that's just the problem. Aside from Kobe, these guys have no personality. The NBA used to thrive off players with flair, gusto, and a passion for the game. Just think of the heroes of yore that have transcended basketball: Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, the Bad Boy Pistons, Clyde Drexler, and the list goes on.

Now we have players that the fan base can never relate to and seem twice removed from. Sure they can get into the stands and kick your ass, but that's it. They go to strip clubs and fire guns in the parking lot. They start rap production groups and launch unbelievably bad singles. Micahel Jordan was human because he had a gambling problem. Magic banged a chick and got AIDS. Larry Bird looked like your average 80s high school gym teacher. Now we have dipshits like Carmelo who appear on ghetto DVDs that talk about killing snitches. Or Sebastian Telfair who has only been caught committing half the crimes that he's actually probably been involved in. Who the fuck does these things?

The fact that there are a lot of players coming in after one year of college does nothing for whatever positive image the NBA has left. These kids are immature and can't handle themselves with any sort of dignity. In fact QB Eagles and I would be surprised if Sebastian Telfair made it to age 25. I wonder what the Vegas odds are on that. Probably not very good.

And the NBA doesn't do anything to help these kids out. Sure they have their rookie conference to teach them about groupies, not getting AIDS, and staying away from drugs. But, really, who cares about them. All the NBA is doing is limiting its liability if and when one of these prodigies gets caught doing lines off a hooker while having unprotected sex with a groupie. "Hey we told them not to do this, but these fuckups went ahead and did it anyway." The point is, it doesn't change the fact that these kids get fellated by coaches, scouts, and sneaker companies when they hit 8th grade. It's all about them from the start.

In short, this league is fucked. Between the problems that immature players bring with them and that disastrous referee scandal last year, this league is on the verge of collapse. Sure basketball is popular around the world and unbelievably so in China. But at home the NBA is dying. What's even worse? Nobody cares. Maybe David Stern will wake up and do something about this mess. Hopefully this shit will be watchable in the near future so I can care just in time for LeBron to cower to a big market and fail. But the odds are he'll be involved in a point shaving scandal that dooms the NBA to that place behind the NHL and sort of in front of MLS.

Disappointed, but Not Bitter

The life of a sports fan on the shores of Erie is analogous to a rookie at bat in the American League. The best you can hope for is to tumble through existence as a seeing eye single and get on base. Maybe even score a run here and there. Or, you can crash and burn like an inning ending double play with the tying run on third. Sometimes both of those happen. More often than not, the latter occurs. And for many people in Cleveland last night, the second half of the life cycle took its toll.

But there is something to be said about this Indians team. At least from my perspective. The press here in Cleveland was less than supportive. Let's take it back 10 years when the Tribe snatched defeat from the jaws of victory against the Marlins. After the 11th inning of the 7th game, everyone was despondent. At school the next morning, red eyes were running amok and almost every teacher put a movie on. There was a lingering bitterness after that Fall Classic. We had a sense of entitlement. We should have won, we deserved to have won. We've been putting together 95+ win seasons and we beat the two beasts of the East. What gives? Who knows. Who cares. All we felt was an indescribable disdain towards everything.

This team, though, doesn't leave that taste of bitterness. Sure there is disappointment aplenty among us. But realistically, it was unrealistic to expect such a young team, with no postseason experience, to topple both the Empire and the Nation. The White Sox didn't do that, and neither did the Tigers. In fact, no team has done that thus far. Even David only felled one oversized Philistine. This team had the talent to do it, but ultimately fell short of toppling the other $200 million dollar monster.

Sure, the Red Sox players that did their part were young. So why can't our players do it? Perhaps because 2/3 of our starting lineup and 3/5 of our regular season starting rotation was under 30 years old. Sure, Pedroia and Ellsbury came up huge last night. But their team doesn't depend on them to win day in and day out. There is less pressure on them because the Red Sox ride the veterans for wins. And their veterans felt the heat. Ortiz and Ramirez went 5 for 20 in the last three games of the series. So it's natural for the Red Sox to feel less pressure, because their young guys have nothing to lose and their vets have been there before.

The Indians, on the other hand, are solely dependent on young everyday talent. So when the pressure is on, the whole lineup should be expected to suffer. Even Sabathia and Carmona were affected. Their 4 LCS starts amounted to absolute garbage. But honestly, what were we supposed to expect from this squad? We know they care. We know they aren't stone cold guns for hire. We should be proud that they took the Red Sox to the brink and that they razed the Yankee Empire. We should be proud that they took the season in their hands and dominated an experienced Tigers rival that surged in September. These guys showed a lot of guts throughout, and there is nothing to be bitter about.

Yes, I'm looking at the silver lining. Yes, I'm clinging on to that ray of hope that floated out of Pandora's Box. And yes, I live by the mantra that "there's always next year." Sure you can chide me for being in an abusive relationship or acting like a battered spouse. But without that eternal optimism there's no reason to follow what we love. So here's to that seeing eye single with the winning run on third.
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Notes from the Weekend:

• The Patriots are on a mission to decimate everyone this season. They are like General Sherman marching through the South killing everything that exists. But I think we need to keep on eye on old cheatin' Bill. When the undefeated Pats play the winless Dolphins again, the Pats won't cover the spread. And guess who's offshore bank accounts just saw payday.
• The Bills put on a pretty good game against the Ravens. It looks like Marshawn Lynch is the real deal. Too bad Willis Mc-fuck you scored that long TD. I'm sure Bills fans could have done without that.
• Who else thinks that any NFC team should subtract at least 2 wins and add 2 losses to their record for a converted AFC record? In other words, don't get too cocky NY and Dallas. Your teams may look good in JV, but Varsity is a whole different game.
  
• Matt Schaub really killed my fantasy team this week with Brett Favre on the bye. Fuck. I should have started Garcia.
  
• Finally, with the Red Sox going to the World Series, the Pats on an ironically tyrannical karmic warpath, and the Celtics with the best starting 5 in the NBA, there is a new era of douchebaggery emerging from the Boston area. I can't wait until someone takes a knife to 5 fuckbag Boston fans in the same fight and kills all of them. Even then, dickbag New Englanders will probably be too self absorbed to realize the potency of their putridness. Even if, GOD FORBID, their teams win the championships in the big three sports, these racist fucks will still have their false sense of entitlement. Eat a dick. Seriously, to about 98% of Boston fans ("genuine" and bandwagon) just fucking die. And don't let karma hit you on the way to hell. Faggots.
  

Goodbye Joel Skinner..Goodbye My Friend

Did the Red Sox win, or the did the Indians lose that game last night. Forget everything that happened in the first six games? Last night's game came down to one decision--Joel Skinner's decision to hold the runner at third with 1 out. First of all, Manny was being Manny out in left field and Skinner should have known that. Secondly, his decision to hold the runner and set up a double play possibility with Casey Blake coming up. As soon as I saw that move, I knew a double play was next. It was a classic Philadelphia moment that was happening to the Indians. So what happens? Well, of course the double play is turned and the Indians leave the tying runner at third.

You knew it was going to unravel from there. Dustin "HGH" Pedroia rocks a 2 run shot and then one of the best relievers in the AL gives up 7 in the 8th. Fitting that Coco Crisp, and Indians castoff catches the final out for the Sox. I hate the Red Sox and their fans. Unfortunately, I have seen enough baseball to know that they will knock out the Rockies in five games. I hate the Red Sox and I hate October now too.

And to Joel Skinner...thanks for ruining the hopes of dreams of our faithful contributor "Average At Best". But what else did you expect? It's fitting though that as an author on this blog, his team would finish one game out.

Lake Erie is Sustained by Tears.

"Science" may tell us that Lake Erie is polluted. "Science" may tell us that Lake Erie's water level is decreasing due to America's outsourcing of fresh water to quench the thirst of Asia.

I am not worried about these "scientists" with their Bunson Burners, hypothesiseseseses, white jackets, and pocket protectors. I am not worried because I know Lake Erie is sustained by the tears of Cleveland and Buffalo sports fans (and also non-Buffalo sports fans who are inhabit the area and look at the underdeveloped waterfront downtown, but that is a story for another time).

The Cleveland Indians, though not expected much of, and surely not favored against the now mighty NEVER an underdog Boston Red Sox, had Bandwagon Nation on the ropes. They were up 3-1 in the series and had all the momentum. Teams up 3-1 in a best of 7 rarely lose, and when they do tears must fall. Regardless of how much was expected, when your team has three wins in a best of seven and you watch your favorite team lose three times in a row. Tears will fall, and Lake Erie is sustained.

Across the Lake in Buffalo news of pre-season and regular season games in Toronto have been all over the news.

Buffalo and Toronto have a long standing relationship being on 90 miles apart. I liken it to casually dating someone for a period of years (Bills get 15,000 fans per game from Canada), but there was never any commitment. Then PAZOWIE the girl moves into your apartment complex and starts asking about your plans for Thanksgiving.

There is now a commitment to Toronto as being integral to the Bills staying in Buffalo. As a lifelong Bills fan, I know better. It is the first step in the Bills leaving Buffalo. And on that day my friends...the water level of Lake Erie will be sustained by the tears of this poster.

Teams I Love to Hate

I was walking around New York City today enjoying the sun blocked view of skyscrapers and extra hot chicks, when I saw a contingent of pasty white freckled kids wearing Red Sox gear approaching. Obviously I was toting my Indians cap and feared being outnumbered by 6 Masshole gingers with nothing better to do than kill a minority or two in the name of Red Sox nation. So I kept walking, and one of them stops me and says, "Hay, good ghame lahst noyht." This was after the extra innings debacle that the Indians managed to win. So we exchanged pleasantries and went or separate ways. This doesn't change the fact that I still hate the Red Sox and most of their goddamn fans.

Yankees:

This one is legitimate hate. It isn't really even for the team either. Although, Posada and A-Rod can each eat a huge dick and go to hell. The fans are what really get to me. Who the fuck calls scoreboard and "26 championships"? What a bunch of shit. I mean you were alive for, what, like 4 of them? Fuck you and your 26 championships. You are living through the age of exorbitant spending, 14 consecutive playoff appearances, and have a captain who can bang any chick he wants. And you have the nerve to call 'scoreboard' when you lose? HA. Pathetic. This is exponentially worse when people who have no connection to New York are Yankees fans. Hey LeBron...yeah you know what you can eat.

Red Sox:

This is at the level of Yankees hate. They went from loveable underdog to deplorable superpower in about 2 minutes. Yeah I was rooting for them in that ALCS comeback, and yeah, I still love Manny Ramirez. But I hate girls and guys who are part of "Red Sox Nation" only because of that comeback and resulting championship. If your pansy ass couldn't gut it out through the shit, then you have no right to call yourself a fan during the good days. Granted, the fans in Boston are loyal, but its the outsiders that really get to me. They are wannabe Massholes who are obnoxious and try to fit the stereotype of Red Sox fans. This is ridiculous. It's like if people wanted to be like scumbag Italian kids from the Jersey Shore. Who does that? Douchebags.

Chicago White Sox:

AJ Peiewraoe-whatever his fucking last name is. Did you know this guy kneed a trainer in the balls after being hit by a pitch in the nuts? Why, you ask? Because the trainer asked him "How do you feel?" What a fuck. Plus those two hillbillies who ran out and beat up an umpire really do wonders for this team's image.

Ottawa Senators:

I'm relatively new to the hockey scene, but I'll tell you this: I will kill Ray Emery for free. This guys is a class act, let me tell you. Always has a little smirk on his face and always pokes his stick out there to trip the forwards. I mean, how can you like a guy who paints Mike Tyson on his helmet. Actually, that's when you know you probably hate the motherfucker. He's not it though. Daniel Alfredsson looks like a fucking fraggle, and Dany Heatley murdered some poor guy while driving his luxury car at some ridiculous speed and got into a wreck. What a bunch of fucks. If hockey were more popular, the Senators would be reviled.

The New Jersey Nets:

Jason Kidd has a humongous head, Richard Jefferson has fucked up teeth, and Vince Carter is probably everything that is wrong with athletes today. They are all babies and whine at every foul. On top of it all, they don't know how to play defense. Any team that has Mikki Moore playing a significant role and is as cocky as the Nets goes immediately into the fucking hate zone.

The New York Giants:

Eli Manning has the burden of being Peyton Manning's brother. And with that burden comes the Manning hate. But Eli's hateability doesn't just stop there. He passed up the prospect of playing with LT and the Chargers so he could play with the Giants. The Giants at the time were running a platoon at tailback and had no offensive weapons besides shockey. I'm sorry but Ike over the Hill-iard is no Plaxico Burress. And that's not saying much. Pee-Li just obviously wanted the limelight of being in New York. Too bad he can't handle it. Also, kudos to Peyton for playing in a small market and winning. It's a lot better than playing in NY and losing.

The Knicks:

Isiah Thomas. I'll also kill him for free. Enough said.

That's enough rage for now. The Indians are about to play and I have about 15 minutes to get some good karma going.

Let's talk about the Bills!

Two days later and I am not fully prepared to talk about what I witnessed first hand Monday Night. However, I am hoping this will be a cathartic experience, so here goes:

I am not going to talk about the Xs and Os except to say that the offense was putridly coached. If I was a player, I would feel absolutely let down by my coaches. This effect is already apparent by Lee Evans recent thoughts on the quarterback "controversy" in Buffalo. In Evans' opinion it should be J.P.'s job. However, last I checked Leave it to Lee is not a coach. Does anyone think that Peyton Manning comments on Tony Dungy's depth chart? Lee has exhibited what many Bills fans are as well...absolutely no faith in their coaching staff. When you are a team as talent starved as the Bills your coaches simply cannot be responsible for 2 losses. Amazingly, the Bills should be 3-2, instead they stare at 1-4 and another year without the playoffs.

Driving home with my disgruntled friends we listened to Dick Jauron's press conference with hope that Dick would recognize that he was an idiot for calling a pass on third down in the fourth quarter, in the red zone, with a rookie quarterback, after Marshawn had just broke one for 10+, when a field goal would put you up 11 points, and to show that he learned from the last time the Bills called a pass on third down when they just needed to run out the clock (the no time remaining loss to the Broncos). Unsurprisingly, Dick defended his call to universal groans from the dejected, dispirited, and completely crestfallen Bills faithful. My second major hope from the press conference also did not come to fruition, and that was for Dick to simply say, "We are who we thought they were," and simply walk out, drive to his Alma Mater Yale, and go read some books on sucking at life. I mean seriously look at him.

In all honesty, Bills fans should take a step back and appreciate that we put on a great show for a national audience. Everyone thought the Bills were going to get whipped, but they showed a lot of spunk. Hopefully, it wont be another 13 years before Monday Night Football returns. I know that is loser talk. Part of the "great show" the Bills put on was losing in a way only the Bills and Arizona Cardinals could pull off, but still, at this point I'll take pretty much anything for the national media to notice the Bills.

Other things on my mind:

- Is there anything worse than people at the gym that just stack 45s on the leg press machine? These people think they look cool with their big stack, but they are pathetic and too pussy to do squats like a real man. I'm sure if questioned they would give me some shit about their knees being bad NEWS FLASH doing 14 plates on leg press probably not the best idea then.

- Why does ESPN continually blow Tony Romo? His overexposure is nauseating. He is famous for dating that blonde girl, fumbling an extra point, and now throwing five picks on Monday Night. If he was playing for the Kansas City Chiefs nobody would care about Romo.

- I don't understand why it is Joe Torre's fault that the Yankees lose. How does he control Wang imploding, or Jeter and A-Rod's plate problems? Perhaps the Yankees do need a change, but the Indians series did not come down to Torre keeping a pitcher in for too long, or juggling his lineup in a strange way, it came down to the Indians being a better team at that point in time.

The Yankees Lose, Torre Might Get Fired, A-Rod Chokes Again!!! Oh Yeah, and the Indians Played Last Night Too

The Death Star (2.0) has exploded, the Empire has fallen. Goliath has fallen face first into the sand of the Valley of Elah with a stone in his forehead. The Spanish Armada has capsized in the stormy waters of the English Channel. Ok, enough with the pretentious historical metaphors. The Indians won last night, in what could possibly be the final death knell of the most current Yankee dynasty.

However, judging from the gigantic headlines across the Internet and newspaper's sports section, the Yankees are seemingly on the verge of imploding for no reason. Every story focuses on the struggles of Alex Rodriguez and the prospect of Torre getting canned. Don't even get me started on the possibility of Tony LaRussa managing the Yanks. He couldn't even handle the press in St. Louis. Anyway, the Yankees had a great season coming back from 14 down to get a spot in the playoffs despite being deeply flawed (more on that later).

I understand that the press prints what will sell and attract attention. Obviously, the Indians beating the Yankees is not at the top of that list. But it's the truth. The Indians proved that they are the better team in this series. They pitched, hit, and managed better than the Yankees. They made the big plays and knew what they had to do. And they deserve a little credit for their performance.

The one sequence that really sticks out happened in the top of the 9th during the Game 2. After Joba gave up the tying run with a wild pitch, which Chip Caray the etymologist explained was due to the bugs, Carmona came out in the same conditions and set the Yankees down. When Abreu stole second with 2 outs and with first base open, the Indians chose to pitch to Rodriguez with the game tied. This was a gutsy call on the Indians' part. And Carmona responded by throwing that filthy sinker for a swinging strikeout. The Indians made a statement right there challenging the Yankees and showing that they weren't scared.

In fact, the Yankees were the ones that seemed to play scared. They were tight at the plate and unsure on the mound. It didn't help that they Indians lineup was incredibly relentless in putting runners in scoring position and scoring with two outs. Their bullpen came out and shut the Yankees down when needed. Honestly, the Yankees were fortunate to come out of that series without being swept. But their offense was bound to explode at some point during the series (explaining game 3).

I know a lot of New York fans really preferred to see the Indians rather than the Angels due to the Yankees poor record against the Halos in the recent past. However, I think that Yankees fans should have counted their blessings that they made the playoffs in the first place.

Their starting pitching has been average at best and they have been injury plagued. Wang, who is their staff ace, would be a number 3 at best on any other contender, and possibly a number 2 on most other AL teams. If you think that is a bold statement, remember the Orioles and Rays (the AL East basement) have Bedard and Kazmir respectively. Their offense can feast on the bad pitching of the AL during the regular season, but, as apparent in this ALDS and last year's, cannot produce in tight situations against good pitching. Their bullpen is nothing without Joba and Mariano. Honestly, Joe Torre did what he could with what he had.

And the Indians proved that money alone cannot build a winner. It takes building from within, a sound team philosophy, and wise investing. So please, give credit where credit is due. The Indians beat the Yankees. Accept this. It makes it much easier.

Lebron Likes the Yankees, Cowboys, Manchester United, The Empire, Ivan Drago, Spanish Armada, Xerxes, Goliath and Picks the Celtics to Win the East

If there is anything I hate more than TBS' broadcast of the MLB playoffs, it is a frontrunner. He was the kid in middle school that wore Cowboys or 49ers gear on spirit day. Or every girl that doesn't know anything about sports and loves the Red Sox and/or Yankees (depending on who's winning). For every girl that knows something about sports and support your home team, you are 100% more attractive than those other chicks. Trust me, there is nothing more attractive on the shores of Lake Erie than a girl in Indians/Browns or Sabres/Bills gear.

Last night, Lebron James showed up to the Indians-Yankees game wearing a Yankees cap. I understand that Yankees caps are in style nowadays due to the immense popularity of hip hop culture blah blah. Fine, I'd accept that. But then thrift store blazer wearing Sager interviews Lebron and gets him to say that he's been a Yankees and Cowboys fan since he was a kid. Are you fucking kidding me?

Lebron James grew up during the 90s in the shadow of Cleveland. The Indians were a juggernaut in that time period. They were 1 of 2 teams that represented the AL in the World Series from 1994-2000. And he has the nerve to be a Yankees fan? It's not even like he was a Yanks fan in the 80s. He explicitly admitted to being a "huge fan of Derek Jeter". So what? You started following the Yankees in 1996? Yeah you're a real fan. Fuck you. You are like every other douchebag that gets your ass kicked at the Jake annually while the cops watch and then get arrested because you are a frontrunning dipshit (seriously, this happens here).

As if that wasn't enough, this asshole goes on and claims to be a Cowboys fan. I really have no hatred for the Cowboys because I lived in Dallas in my younger days. But guess what, I was a Browns fan when they were putting up 3-13 seasons in the early 90s. And honestly, what other team screams frontrunner more than the Cowboys? Especially if you grew in the 90s. No other team, that's who. I mean this guy grew up 30 miles from Cleveland and in the backyard of the Pro Football Hall of Fame and he becomes a nutless Cowboys fan. What a fake fuck.

This is what it comes down to. People in Cleveland love their sports teams and are extremely loyal. What Lebron did was slap the collective face of a city that has shown him unconditional support since he was a high school phenom. He always emphasizes how badly the city of Cleveland needs a championship. Then he shows up at an Indians playoff game supporting the team that we love to hate. The best part about the whole thing is that people in Cleveland want a World Series ring about 100 times more than an NBA title.

I vow to hate Lebron from this moment forward. But my support for the Cavs will be limited to the team and probably Boobie Gibson. Lebron has lost a lot of respect from Cleveland fans in the past couple of days, and that's fine by us. It's one thing for him to like the Yankees in private, but showing up at the game and providing a nationally televised interview espousing that view sacrificed the loyalty of his home fans for the admiration of whatever demographic he was catering to. It shows that his loyalty is to himself, his money, and nobody else. Everyone knows athletes are like this, we aren't naive. But most athletes are smart enough to be discrete about it. Apparently Lebron thinks he transcends that.

Skip Bayless wrote a couple years back that Lebron is concerned about his image more than anything else and that his will to win is driven by this worry. He even went so far as to say that Lebron wants to shed his origins and disassociate himself with the area. I gave Lebron the benefit of the doubt, but Skip is right. Lebron dances to the tune of the masses and, frankly, he can dance all the way to New York. He won't amount to anything more than an A-Rod. A big time sellout who will probably cave under the weight of the big city lights. So go flash that dynasty sign, eat a dick, and be prepared to get batteries thrown at you when you play in Cleveland for whatever big city team you cower to.

Philadelphia Phillies Final Out to win NL East Division 2007

I don't really know what to write about the Phillies. To be honest, I don't even know where to begin. For those of you who question Philadelphia sports fans, take a look at this video. Pay attention to the crowd when they announce the Mets loss and the final K. It gives you goosebumps watching it.

The National League is Alright

Fine. I'll admit it. Through the amazing technology known as the Internet and MLB TV, I watched more NL games this past weekend than AL games. I guess one of the advantages of having "parity" is that it provides for great closing weekends.

Let's start out with the Phillies. What a comeback. I truly am sorry Mets fans, but your team had a 500 to 1 chance at not making the playoffs. But who knew that the Phillies would go on some remarkable two week tear of the NL. Everything just clicked for the Phillies and there's nothing you can do about that. Except maybe win games you should win. The Mets only really have themselves to blame. I mean yesterday was a playoff game, and the Mets played like it was the last game of a lost season. Tom Glavine hit Dontrelle and threw a ball into left field with men in scoring position. They played like they wanted to go home. Contrast this to Jimmy Rollins unilaterally creating a run in the first inning. Teams going in different directions.

And how about those Rockies? It seems like they've won a million in a row and are hitting the leather off the ball. Now these guys found a way to win when they needed to. In what amounted to a pitcher's duel, the Rockies scored first in the 6th. Only to give it up in the 7th. But then they came back and put up a 3 spot in the 8th. One game playoff? Awesome. It's NL Cy Young Jake Peavy against the Dragonslayer (his nickname, seriously) Josh Fogg in the thin air of the Rockies.

Not as sweet as a 4 way tie would have been, but hey, I've known for a while that god doesn't exist.

Tom Jackson is an Idiot

Tom Jackson was just asked to explain why the Bears and Chargers were 1-3 on today's Sports Center. And far from giving his usually long winded, borderline retarded response, he basically answered with an "I don't know". I mean why is this guy on the show anyway? All he really does is make me throw things around my apartment in frustration of his stupidity. At least Michael Irving makes me laugh. Jackson adds nothing to the show.

Plus, if he had read B-Rad's post last week regarding how the NFL scheduling process affects teams' records, then he could have answered those questions. I'm only assuming this because I'm too lazy to do an analysis of the Bears' and Chargers' respective schedules.

I Don't Care About the National League

Yes, I don't care about the league that could possibly go a season with only one 90 win team. This is only by circumstance too because Arizona (89) plays Colorado (87). So one of those two teams will win 90. Some may chalk this up to parity, but, honestly, it's because the NL is awful. Anyway, here is a statistical look into the Junior Circuit's October.

Angels

When looking at the Angels' roster, it's very difficult to find a weakness. They have 2 outstanding starting pitchers and their lineup is a great mix of power and speed. There is very little to say about John Lackey and Kelvim Escobar. They are both in the top 10 in ERA in the AL and are 7th and 15th in the AL in pitching runs created. Needless to say, the front end of the Angels rotation is tough to beat. The rest of the staff, including the bullpen, have given up the 5th fewest runs in the AL.

The Angels offense has scored the 4th most runs in the AL this year but posts the worst OPS of any of the playoff teams. OPS is a great indicator of how effective a team's offense can be. Let's break it down. The Angels post a SLG% of only .419. This means that they don't hit for power as much as the other playoff teams do. However, the Angels kill with timely hitting and speed. They have the second most stolen bases in the AL and the most sacrifice flies. The offense can bring 'em home. And that's all that matters against good pitching.

Defense is the only glaring weakness for the Angels. They have the 5th worst fielding percentage in the AL. However, the Angels are great in close games as they have posted a 24-18 record in 1 run games and have the 6th best OPS when games are close and late.

Red Sox

The Red Sox are the most underachieving team in the American League. They have the best run differential and, consequently, an expected record of 99-60. This could mean two things. The Red Sox find ways to lose or they blow teams out and lose close games. Either way, they have failed to live up to their lofty statistical expectations. Let's try to find out way.

The offense is 3rd in the league in runs scored and 2nd in OPS. They hit for power and get on base extremely well. They have a clutch lineup that posts the 4th best OPS in the AL when it is close and late in games. Actual runs scored do not matter because each team has a different amount of at bats in these situations.

So it isn't the hitting, what about the pitching? Overall, the Sox have the best ERA in the AL. Their starters are 2nd and their bullpen is the best. And they have the second best ERA when the game is close. However, it is interesting to note that the Red Sox ERA independent of fielding (basically without defensive help or luck) is 30 points higher than their ERA. This means that the Red Sox have been 30 ERA points luckier than they should have been. The differential is the highest among playoff teams and is 3rd best out of the four. So maybe the Sox pitching staff isn't as good as it may seem.

Either that or JD Drew is responsible.

Yankees

The 2007 Comeback Kids are on a roll in September, only losing about 10 games this month. More importantly, they have an outside chance of actually winning the East. Even though those pesky wild card shirts have already been printed and sold. The obvious strength of the Yankees is their offense. These guys can hit. They are tops in all major offensive categories. Their only weakness is when the game is close and in the later innings. They are middle of the pack when the game is close with the 7th best OPS in the AL.

The obvious weakness of the Yankees is their pitching. Sure they have a great run differential, but that's mostly due to the fact that they score a ton of runs. The Yanks have given up the most runs of the four playoff teams and post the worst overall ERA. Their starters' ERA is 7th in the AL and their bullpen is 10th. The Yankees' staff posts the 3rd worst ERA when the game is tight. There isn't any statistical magic that I can find to make you Yanks fans feel any better (or worse for that matter). The pitching is by and far the worst of all the playoff teams.

However, I will humor New Yorkers with non-statistical insight. The Yankees rotation is pretty rife with experience. Clemens, Pettite, and Mussina are veterans who have pitched in the postseason before. They know what it takes to win and sometimes its the old battle horses that come out of nowhere and give standout performances in October.

Indians

The Indians are one of the most overachieving teams in the AL. According to their run differential, the Indians should have only won 90 games by now. In fact, they have 94 wins. The Angels and Indians share this trait. This is due to the fact that both teams have excellent records in 1 run games. These teams may not win big, but they win when its close. For the most part, the Indians are pretty balanced and they have no glaring weakness.

If there is any strength for the Indians, then it is their pitching. They have two AL Cy Young candidates in CC Sabathia and Fausto Carmona. Both are top 10 in ERA and pitching runs created. Sabathia is second to Beckett in fielding independent pitching and leads pitching runs created. Carmona is the league ERA leader right now but has a fielding independent pitching ERA 100 points higher than ERA. That is natural for a ground ball pitcher (Wang also suffers in this stat). Overall, the Indians are 3rd in ERA and 3rd in runs allowed. Their starters post the best ERA in the AL and their bullpen is 5th. They are 6th in ERA when the game is on the line.

The offense has the 4th best OPS in the AL and has the second best OPS in close and late situations. They are also 11-8 in extra innings. These stats show that the Indians are able to win close games. Otherwise, their offense is generally regarded as probably the 5th best in the AL.

Predictions (Or not)

As an Indians fan I can't made any sort of unbiased predictions. Obviously I'm rooting for Cleveland. However, each team has its strengths and weaknesses coming into October. The Red Sox are limping towards the playoffs and can possibly lose the division depending on what happens this weekend. They have a couple of hitters that are question marks such as JD Drew and Manny, who didn't try to play in those crucial Yankees series.

The Yankees really need to step up their pitching and find reliable relievers other than Rivera and Joba. Those two are pretty good, but they have to get the game to them. Joba isn't going to pitch more than 2 innings in any given game. If their starters get knocked out early, then it's going to be a long game. Another question mark is A-Rod. Will he fold under the October pressure as he's done in the past? Or will he continue to carry the Yanks on his back? The Yankees need to ride this September into October. They have played well since the All-Star Break and can't let up now.

The Angels look prime going into the playoffs. And they've played most of September without Vladimir Guerrero. His insertion of the lineup, along with Garrett Anderson, make the Angels lineup dangerous to any pitching staff. Their pitchers are good enough to match up with any lineup and but their bullpen needs to be able to get the ball in Fransisco Rodriguez's hands. But this team has been here before, and they know what it takes.

The Indians are the team with the least amount of playoff experience. This is their biggest weakness. They've been good about putting their nose to the grindstone and head to the stars since mid August, but can they continue to do that when the pressure is on in October? Youth on a team is either a blessing or a curse. They either fold under the pressure or don't know any better and succeed despite it. They are just as capable as the other teams of making a run, but can they hang in there mentally with the big market teams?

Who knows. Tune in and find out.

Yeah, This NFL Season Sucks, but It's Still Better Than the NBA So Shut Up

Ok the Browns are 1-2 so I should be happy, right? Fuck no, they could be 2-1 if they kick a field goal. Plus, the Bills don't know how to play football anymore and the goddamn Steelers are undefeated. If the Colts win the Super Bowl again, this will officially be the worst season of my lifetime. Well, maybe not as bad as the year the Ravens did it.

But hey, its a lot better than this upcoming NBA season. How do I know this? Because the NBA season is only a month away and there's no time at all devoted to it on SportsCenter. With the only exception being Greg Oden tearing cartilage in his knee by getting off his couch. That's the type of stuff that makes the NBA completely ridiculous.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. This NFL season really blows. Whatever happened to the league that was supposed to be the model for all others? Now its "most electrifying player" is in jail for killing dogs and its dynasty team has been accused of cheating. Then there's PacMan Jones and half of the Cincinnati Bengals squad who are suspended for being dumbasses.

But you know what? We just have to get past all this and enjoy it. Because after the baseball postseason and the Super Bowl, it's a pretty arduous journey until the NBA playoffs (which last about 3 months at this point). So here are a couple points that you NFL fans need to accept to make this season bearable.

1. For some teams, it's all about next year's draft. Sorry Browns (Cowboys have your pick, suckas), Bills, Dolphins, Falcons, and Raiders fans. You are officially in the Brian Brohm sweepstakes.
   
2. Oh yeah, Detroit, your team will end up missing the playoffs narrowly and be stuck with a mid round draft pick. Then the Lions will need a league exception to run a 7 wideout set next year.
3. The Patriots may be cheaters, but it's time you quit your bitching. They beat your team because they are better. Way better.
   
4. Norv Turner couldn't take the NFC Pro Bowl team to the playoffs. Notice that I didn't say AFC Pro Bowl team because a rabid spider monkey could take that team all the way.
   
5. The Saints are bad. The Texans might be good. New Orleans wanted to sell jerseys a couple drafts ago and they made the corresponding pick. But the Texans could have the beginning of a winning nucleus.
   
6. The Giants suck.
   
7. The NFC West looked great on paper. Real glossy and colorful paper. But somewhere along the way we forgot that these are the Arizona Cardinals and 49ers. Looks like it's another year for the Seahawks. And surprise! Shaun Alexander is injured.

Well, there are probably more things to bitch about but I'll leave it at that. If you can accept those 7 things, then you'll make it through the NFL season alive and well. Maybe you'll even watch some great football come late December and January. I mean, what else is there to do? Watch hockey?

The Patriots Love to Cheat and Gregg Easterbrook Loves to be Dumb.

Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN.com's "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" is an absolute buffoon. I still enjoy his column because it is good for a few laughs. Today's doozies:

1. Easterbrook assails those who blame the Saints slow start on their schedule, which is true because it is early, but then goes on to say that the NFL schedule is even for all. I guess Gregg doesn't have time to read One Game Out or he would find out that his theory has been definitively debunked. To say the AFC East which plays the much stronger NFC East and the entire AFC North has an even schedule with the NFC South which plays the putrid NFC West and AFC West is idiotic. I would not be surprised at all if the Texans, Titans, Jags, and obviously Colts finish with winning records with their schedules.
2. Easterbrook also believes that Charlie Weiss, Eric Mangini, and Romeo Crennel are "struggling" because they can no longer cheat. Is he serious??? Mangini was just in the playoffs, Weiss was a big part in rescuing Notre Dame from irrelevancy, and Crennel...well Crennel coaches the Browns.
3. Easterbrook also claims the NFL orchestrated a mass cover-up to prevent the discovery of the Patriots cheating in the Super Bowl. I will spare you the details because they are inane, and focus on cheating by the Patriots that is even more diabolical: ROUGHING THE PASSER!

The NFL Rule Book states, under "Protection of the Passer" [4]: "No defensive player who has an unrestricted path to the quarterback may hit him flagrantly in the area of the knee(s) or below when approaching in any direction.

However, that is exactly what Vince Wilfork did, spraining Losman's knee, and knocking him out two weeks. Bottom line, it was a dirty play. Whatever fine the NFL gives him won't be enough. Just like when Kimo von Oelhoffen ended the Bengals season, and was given a fine, but allowed to play in every game of the Steelers improbable Super Bowl XL run these idiot defensive linemen need to be suspended before they will stop being idiots. This isn't dirty Vince's first time either. I am a big proponent of defensive lineman rights too, but there is no excuse for going after a player's knees.

Other Points:

* Tony Kornheiser must read "One Game Out" because discussed the crazy NFC South division winner pattern. The Bucs and Saints are doing their best to keep the streak alive.

* I am impressed Shaun Alexander broke his wrist and is still playing. He has not gone soft despite the big contract after the Super Bowl.

* The Ravens have been outscored 35-16 in the fourth quarter of their three games so far. This could be a sign the defense is finally getting a little long in the tooth.

* Kurt Warner playing in the two minute drill over Matt Leinhart, though a blow to Matty's confidence, makes perfect sense. When Warner is not rushed at all, like during a typical two minute drill, or when playing for Orlando Pace and the Rams, or when playing Arena Football he can be extremely effective.