The Triple Crown

The Triple Crown in the era of those born in the 1980s and onward has been non-existent. I speak of the two main triple crowns, Horse Racing, last won by Affirmed in 1978, and baseball, last won by Carl Yazstrzemski in 1967.

I have many problems with this situation. Not "The Situation" from MTV's pasta fest Jersey Shore, but the fact that we cannot celebrate a triple crown achievement. I mean there's three crowns involved. Everyone loves crowns. Its gotta happen more often. Additionally, there are only two celebrated triple crown achievements? Guffaw and pshaw I say to that, and respectfully submit the admission as the third celebrated triple crown: The Triple Crown of Fantasy Football.

Fantasy football is America's number 2 pastime, right behind the actual NFL games themselves (but not by much). Any argument that the NBA or MLB is more popular than fantasy football is silly. Ask yourself, who do you really care about more, impressing your friends and basking in the pride of Suck My Vick, No Romo's victory over Trentitive Edwards, or the Yankees umpteenth "World Championship" in a league where there is no competitive balance?

Accordingly, the Triple Crown of Fantasy Football needs to be recognized. What, you may ask is the triple crown of fantasy football?

10-12 Team Standard Champion---it doesn't matter how you play, whether its a TD heavy, or big play heavy league, whether you use ridiculous bonuses for milestone games, whatever. If you win your league then you are awesome. This is the home runs, or Kentucky Derby leg of the triple crown. It means the most, and makes you remembered in the annals of history no matter what.

Pick Em Champion---again, many ways to do it, confidence points, point spread, etc. Of course the most manly way to do it is to pick with the spread, but if you win one of these leagues you deserve the RBI or Preakness.

Suicide Pool Champion---Like batting average, and the extra long Belmont Stakes, the suicide pool champion may be the most difficult leg of the crown to pull off. If you can get past the Raiders beating the Eagles, Steelers, and Bengals, you still have to defeat the 50-60 plus individuals that are usually involved in such pools.

Any man who pulls this off is a Triple Crown winner and should be lauded by friends. Perhaps Goodell could use Ochocinco's fine money to create a Fantasy Czar who would take applications from potential Triple Crown winners and present an official certificate, with NFL logo, congratulating them on the monumental performance. Let's make this happen!

It should be noted:

The Extraordinary Pahnts! my fantasy football squad (12 teams, standard scoring with defensive players) finished a 3 seed and needs a big game from Antrell Rolle to continue in the playoffs.

My pick em league squad (22 members, point spread, all games, no confidence points): The Bills Make Me Want to Shout! are in second place 3 games down.

My suicide pool picked the Titans this week, and is one of 6 remaining teams. The league started with 62.

I'm dreaming of a Fantasy Football Triple Crown.

NL East Preview

Apparently I am the National League expert around here. That’s probably because I hate the DH and love small-ball. OK, not really. I’m just a Braves fan, so you can make your own assumptions about that.

SO, as a Braves fan, it makes sense for me to the start in NL East. As they say, better late than never. So here goes…

As anyone who knows anything about baseball can tell you, the Mets have out-spent nearly everyone over the past two years and come up one game short of the playoffs in both years. They are hoping the addition of K-Rod will get them a few extra wins and finally push them into the playoffs. The signing of Gary Sheffield could also help, to a lesser extent. The Mets are clearly an offensively talented team, but outside of Johan Santana they don’t really have any reliable pitching. Mike Pelfrey and John Maine are talented young pitchers, but also inconsistent. Livan Hernandez is a reliable workhorse but he hasn’t finished a season with an ERA under 4.50 since 2005.

The defending champion Phillies are a solid team that caught fire at the right time last year. It is hard for any team to defend a title and I don’t expect the Phillies to repeat as World Series Champs this year. However, that doesn’t mean they still can’t win the East. Here are Philadelphia’s win totals over the last six years: 86, 86, 88, 85, 89, 92. Pretty consistent, if you ask me. They may have over-achieved a little bit last season, so I expect them to drop back down into the high 80’s. Raul Ibañez is a solid addition and probably an improvement over Pat Burrell. If Ryan Howard can keep his average closer to .300 than .250, the Phils offense could be even more potent than last year. Their pitching hasn’t changed too much, other than the addition of Chan Ho Park as a fifth starter. However, with injury questions surrounding Cole Hamels, reliability issues surrounding Joe Blanton, and the fact that Jamie Moyer is about 75 years old, the pitching staff certainly has some risk.

I had high hopes for Atlanta this year, especially considering the inordinate amount of tough-luck losses last year, but it seems that perhaps the Braves are just another .500 team. After starting hot this season (5-1, including two wins at Philly) the Braves proceeded to lose six of their next seven, mostly against Washington and Pittsburgh. Atlanta fields a team of talented young (but also un-interesting) players like Casey Kotchman, Jordan Schafer and Kelly Johnson. I’d be willing to bet that only die-hard fantasy players have heard of all those guys. The pitching staff is solid, if unspectacular, and the additions of Javier Vazquez and Derek Lowe certainly shore up last year’s patchwork rotation. Newly-signed Japanese player Kenshin Kawakami should eat up some innings, but most are not expecting him to dominate. Youngster Jair Jurrjens has great stuff and could end up being the best pitcher out of the group. Atlanta should improve on last year’s relatively dreadful 72-90 finish, but expecting a division title is probably out of the question.

What’s the deal with the Marlins? Are they actually good this year? They currently have the best record in baseball at 11-4. The truth is, the Marlins have quietly been a solid team for the last several years. With everyone usually focusing on the Mets, Phillies, and Braves, the Marlins usually get ignored. They haven’t finished better than third since 2003 (when they won the World Series) but have finished with 83 or 84 wins in three of the five seasons since, including last season. Florida has two great young talents in Hanley Ramirez and Dan Uggla (with fans hoping that Cameron Maybin soon joins that level of distinction) but the rest of the roster is probably only recognized by family members. Their pitching is also young (and inexperienced) but clearly talented. Ricky Nolasco looks like the real deal, with fellow youngsters Josh Johnson, Chris Volstad and Anibal Sanchez also showing promise.

The Nationals suck. That’s all there is to it. As expected, they currently have the worst record in baseball and should continue to maintain that level of ineptitude. According to their depth chart, third basemen Ryan Zimmerman is currently the fifth starter in the pitching rotation. While I’m sure it’s a typo, I wouldn’t really be that surprised if it wasn't. (Update: Typo has been fixed. Apparently Jordan Zimmerman is the fifth starter)

Finish:
1. Mets
2. Phillies
3. Marlins
4. Braves
5. --vacated--
30. Nationals

If I was more of a risk-taker (like my associate) I would predict the Marlins to win the division, but honestly, at this point it’s a pretty big risk to pick the Mets to win anything. It’s pretty hard to swing a bat and throw strikes when your hands are permanently wrapped around your throat.

The Indians are Terrible (and AL West Preview)

Holy shit. The Indians, as of now, are 1-7 and heading into the opening series at new Yankee Stadium (aka steal yo' money park) tomorrow. They have the potential of being 1-12 by the time Monday rolls around. I haven't watched any games but I have listened to a few and caught a couple on game cast. I know Eric Wedge's team hates April and starts off slowly every year but this is dangerously close to being the end of the season for them. Let's highlight a few of the problems.

The pitching has been horrendous. I mean Cliff Lee can't control his fastball and hitters are nailing him on everything else. He just can't keep them off balance and honest so they look for the offspeed stuff and crush it. Carmona can't control his pitches at all. They dance around like they have a mind of their own. He's continued the trend from last year of walking more people than striking out. I'm not sure if it is a mechanical problem or if he's just bad. But I'm confident is saying that 2007 was a fluke year for him. Pavano is alright. He looked good in spring training, got knocked out of the 1st by the Rangers, then fanned 8 in 6 innings against the Royals. Not bad. (You know your pitching sucks when you consider Pavano "not bad").

The bullpen can't hold a lead so far and can't even keep the games close. Perez came in last night with the game tied up and gave up 5 runs. Kerry Wood has looked awesome though in his 1 inning of work. They should probably make him a starter.

The hitting has actually been doing pretty well. Hafner is off to a good start with 3 homeruns in the first week and Martinez looks fully recovered from his shoulder problem. Sizemore is the same old Sizemore hitting homeruns and striking out. They need to set a lineup and stick with it. I feel like Wedge tinkers with the lineup too much in April and causes the offense to putter into May. Isn't tinkering what Spring Training is for? I'm not a coach or anything but it would make sense to mess with your lineups when the games DON'T FUCKING MATTER (take heed Romeo Crennel and Eric Mangini).

If they can get out of New York with a split in the four game series then they should be in OK shape. Anthony Reyes has looked pretty solid and should get better. Cliff Lee and Fausto Carmona can't really do any worse then they already have. And despite the terrible start they are only 4 games from the Central Division leader. But like I said, its going to get late faster for the Indians if they don't start playing up to par.

Also, I'd like to see LaPorta, that catcher prospect from the Dodgers, and the other guy from the Sabathia deal to play in the majors soon. They all hit .500 in the spring and probably warrant a roster spot over Ben Francisco and some of the other bums (Ryan Garko). I like Trevor Crowe in the outfield though. He's like a mini Sizemore and hopefully can get on base more to create havoc.

AL West Preview

I'll keep this short because this division really doesn't change that much from year to year. The Mariners are supposed to be good and they actually might be with Felix Hernandez coming into his own and hopefully Erik Bedard pitching like his past self. I like the Franklin Guiterrez addition from the Indians. He may not look good on paper from last year but he was never consistently in the lineup. His power and speed in center will make him a real offensive threat with consistent at bats.

The Angels are the Angels and should be a solid team again this year. Oakland never really impressed me in spring training and just look to be mediocre. The Rangers have a great offense, especially with Nelson Cruz coming of age. But their pitching, as always, really sucks and they'll be mired in a 70-80 win season.

Prediction: I'm going to go with Seattle to win this division and make the playoffs. They've been on the cusp the past few years and fell short of expectations last year. But with a solid rotation anchored by veteran Jarrod Washburn in the back, they should be ready to take the title this year. Plus the return of Junior Griffey can't hurt.

AL East Preview

The American League East is loaded. There is a good possibility that a 90 win team from this division will be left on the outside looking in in October. The back end of this division isn't bad either with the young Orioles and always consistent mediocre Jays.

AL East

The (Devil) Rays are the defending champs. Interesting to say that but you have to hand it to them. They have quality pitching with Kasmir, Garza, and Shields in the top three spots as well as David Price lurking in the minors. The bullpen was more than solid last year but the trend in the majors has always been that the bullpen takes a hit after good years due to the amount of innings pitched. The Rays obvious strength is their lineup. It is dynamic with speed and power in the form of BJ Upton. Hopefully they can get the Upton who seemingly launched home runs every at bat last post season. Carl Crawford, Evan Longoria, and Carlos Pena provide a balanced offensive attack. Throw in Maddon's crazy managing decisions and the Rays can beat you in a variety of ways.

The most likely division winner is the Red Sox. Every year I think these guys are getting older and have to fall apart at some point. However, their roster this season is pretty impressive. The rotation of Beckett, DiceK, Wakefield, and Lester can eat innings and give them a chance to win every day. The wildcards in the rotation are going to be Brad Penny and Clay Bucholtz. The bullpen really staged a coup by getting Smoltz. He's an All Star closer in the setup position. This solidifies the back end of games and can even provide Papelbon with some days off to keep him fresh for the post season. I'm pretty sure I don't have to talk about an offense that boasts Big Papi, MVP Dustin Pedroia (can't hit high and inside), Jacoby Ellsbury, Mike Lowell, and Kevin Youklis.

The Yankees are the Yankees. The keys to their season are CC Sabathia's psyche and the weathering of A-Rod's injury. Sabathia's recent success with the Indians and Brewers stems from his ability to control his emotions. Early in his career he used to get hotheaded in certain situations and just start throwing heat instead of pitching. This led to control trouble and games going from bad to worse. Xavier Nady and Mark Teixera will have to pick up the slack for A-Rod's missing bat. Nady is a good player who has a chance to get into the All Star Game with Rodriguez out. The question for the Yanks is their rotation. While it could be very good, there is no guarantee. Joba was inconsistent at best last year and Pettite is getting old. Burnett is the definition of injury prone and his bad elbow usually costs a month every season.

The Orioles/Blue Jays are in the same boat fighting for fourth place this year. The Orioles have a great young offense but their pitching is a few years from coming out. To be honest I haven't heard of any of the guys behind Jeremy Guthrie in that rotation. But the offense with Huff, Markakis, and Roberts should be solid to compete for mediocrity. The Blue Jays have Roy Halladay and thats about it for starters. Their bullpen is average and BJ Ryan might not even keep his closer job for the season. Reports indicate that his velocity has dropped to about 87 or so for a fastball. That's Joe Borowski territory. I'm glad I drafted him in my fantasy league.

Call: I'm going to go with the Red Sox to win the division and the Rays to pick up the wild card. I'm not sold on the Yankees making it through this competitive season without their best hitter. Jeter is hitting leadoff. He can still get on base but his speed is diminished and his defense has been suffering a lot recently (see WBC). Him and Cano really are a liability up the middle on defense. I don't see Burnett pitching the entire season and Wang is a crapshoot because he's a groundball pitcher with below average defensive middle infielders.

AL Central Preview

Remember last year? Remember when I predicted that the Tigers would lose 100 games (the almost did!) and that the Rays would win the East (you'll hear this a bunch more, I promise) and that the Red Sox would get the Wild Card? Remember that? You should because they were great predictions. The Rays prediction was probably the greatest prediction of our generation. If Villanova wins the tournament, then The Rays would have to be pushed down to second...but that is a different story for another time.

I'm going to make an admission right now. Baseball predictions are like a crapshoot (obviously a waiver of my potentially shitty picks for the upcoming year). This season seems especially tough seeing that the AL East is stacked, the AL Central is stacked with mediocrity, and the AL West is....well...the AL West. Well, here goes:

AL Central

Well, this division went from being the up and coming powerhouse to the powerhouse of 80 win teams. I'm not sure what is going to happen this year. Obviously I was going to pick the Indians to win this division on pure talent alone, but their starting pitching has been atrocious this spring with Cliff Lee getting lit up almost every start. There's no way he can repeat the success of last year. Carl Pavano...well, whatever. The only bright spot is that Carmona looks like he's ready to return to form after an injury plagued season in 2008. However the bullpen should be better with the addition of Kerry Wood taking pressure off Rafael Perez, Jensen Lewis, and Rafael Betancourt. There should be less blown leads this year.

The Twins look mediocre as usual and are probably poised to overacheive as usual. They have Liriano back from elbow injury and he's been looking very good this spring. He should anchor a solid rotation which can hold games for the outstanding bullpen. They also have the best clutch hitter in Joe Mauer and perennial MVP candidate Justin Morneau in the lineup. The keys for the Twins are going to be Carlos Gomez and Delmon Young in the outfield. These guys need to get on base and use their speed to create runs to support that pitching staff.

The Tigers and White Sox don't really concern me because they are getting old and seem to be on the way out. The Tigers will maintain a pretty good offense even though they just cut Gary Sheffield, but their pitching is garbage. I mean Edwin Jackson as your #2? Their season rests on Dontrelle Willis' arm and that's probably not a good bet. The White Sox are too old to do anything this year. I think they'll fall behind early and have too much ground to make up as the saeson goes on. Watch out for Alexei Ramirez though. He reminds me of Alfonso Soriano but better defensively.

The Royals are in the same position the Devil Rays have been in the past few seasons. They are a perennial loser with high draft picks and great prospects just waiting to break out. I mean wasn't Zach Greinke supposed to be a Cy Young winner by now. He's still pretty young considering he's been in the majors since he was 18. But he has great stuff and should be the ace for this rotation this season that includes the dynamic Kyle Davies (finished the season strong last year) and Gil Meche (perennial fantasy add/drop). With Coco Crisp batting leadoff and improving the defense, David Dejesus (.307/12/73 last year) can bat either second or third and make an offensive impact. The key for the Royals is how Teahen, Gordon, and Butler step up. They've been on the cusp for a few seasons now and it remains to be seen whether or not they can live up to the hype.

Call: Kansas City with a breakout season. The Indians and Twins can win 90 games but they are flawed. The division is open for the Royals to surprise.

Tomorrow, I'll look at the AL East and probably pick the Rays to win it again.

Trade Cutler? How about fire McDaniels.

Pat Bowlen undoubtedly would like a do-over.

In a span of a few months his Denver Broncos have gone from one of the most consistently good NFL teams to an absolute circus.

After Bowlen made the surprising move to fire Mike Shanahan, Cutler has been a baby. Cutler has whined about a perceived lack of respect from baby-faced coach Josh McDaniels. It appears the relationship has reached the point of no return and the Broncos have decided to trade Cutler before the draft.

To me, this makes absolutely no sense. Maybe it is my perspective as a Bills fan where since Jim Kelly's retirement the Bills have started the following quarterbacks: Todd Collins, Alex Van Pelt, Doug Flutie, Rob Johnson, Drew Bledsoe, Kelly Holcomb, JP Losman, and Trent Edwards. Significant time has also been given to the likes of Travis Brown and Billy Jo Hobert. My point is, a franchise quarterback is more valuable than a head coach. If Cutler is going to be a baby, and McDaniels could not heal the wounds, then Bowlen should have looked at buying out McDaniels and starting over.

I know appeasing the 25 year old baby quarterback would have provided awful precedent for him, but Cutler from all indications seems to be the type of guy you can plug into the quarterback position for the next ten seasons. How many NFL coaches are going to last ten years? My bet is that McDaniels will not be one of them.

P.S.

I know that after the Raiders quickly fired Mike Shanahan he was hired by the Broncos, led them to two Super Bowls, and made the Raiders life miserable. The difference is the Raiders fired Shanahan because he wouldn't let players sit on their helmets. The Broncos would be letting McDaniels to ensure they retain their franchise quarterback.


P.S.S.

Please Broncos don't trade Cutler to the Jets. Trade him far away from the Bills like Tampa Bay, or the Lions, or work out a three-way with the Browns, Cards, or Titans that sends him to some distant play once every four years NFC team.

2009 Cleveland Browns...Rebuilding...Again.

I'm convinced that the Browns are stuck in a spiraling labyrinth of rebuilding, raising expectations, felling said expectations, and rebuilding again. It is an endless cycle which has consumed my life since 1999 and will continued to do so henceforth. Somewhere along this familiar path there are bright spots, coaching changes, GM swaps, and economic downturns. Oh yeah and the era of the "other sports team" in Cleveland. In the Browns' absence it was the Indians. In their new perennial mediocrity, it is the Cavaliers. However, that is life in Cleveland. It's like the mediocre looking girlfriend that you are in love with but aren't currently with because you still love having the flavor of the week. If that makes any sense.

With the trade of Kellen Winslow today, Eric Mangini has signaled that the team is once again in rebuilding mode. This is history repeated. After the 2002 season where the Browns made the playoffs under Butch Davis, they faced heightened expectations and a tougher schedule. That is tailor made for a flop. So what happened? The fans threatened to revolt and the team got another coach and began to rebuild. Two years after making the playoffs in a tough division! Two years! Anyway, this course of events should sound familiar to any of those who care.

I can't really put my finger on what the problem is here. It is unbelievable that one organization is so inept at putting together even a mediocre team. I mean the Redskins throw money at veterans as callously as Pac Man does at strip clubs, but at least they field a team that almost makes the playoffs. The Bills are just wracked by terrible coaching and the Buffalo curse. The Bengals just love to draft and sign criminals. The Browns really don't do anything wrong. They drafted two players who made the pro bowl within their first two seasons and put together an impressive offensive array in 2007. But when it came down to playing good teams that talent doesn't translate?

I mean its not that the better teams shut the Browns offense down or anything. They were just bad on their own. Edwards and Winslow forgot how to catch a ball and Anderson flat out aimed at the ground. What happened to the unstoppable aerial attack of 2007? Who the fuck knows? That's what I'm wondering. Is it a culture of failure and complacency? You'd think that a team at the mercy of its rioting fans would try to build upon a winning season and do better the next go round. No, they come to camp fat and have no full pads practices. They get decimated in the preseason by every team they play and write it off as "just the preseason."

Like I said before on this blog, the Browns need an identity. I don't care if we're the first team in the NFL with an openly gay quarterback. Just give us something that makes us the Browns. That's the only way I can see us breaking out of this sisyphian cycle of achieving mediocrity only to fall back down to sheer incompetence.

Why A-Rod Matters

Our nation's "pastime" has taken a severe beating this decade. The All Star Game fiasco, the Winter World Series, and, of course, the substance abuse scandals. The latter having done more damage to the reputation of the sport than the other two combined. Drug use famously sparked a debate in Congress about the state of Major League Baseball. Normally this wouldn't have been such a big deal but Congress probably should have devoted its resources to a couple of other things going on in the world.

The most recent superstar to take the tumble is Alex Rodriguez. It's been a pretty rough month for the guy. First Torre rips on him through a proxy in his tell all book. Now Sports Illustrated drops the bomb that he tested positive for steroids in 2003. Who knows if he's done them since then, but its safe to assume that he doesn't have the gumption to challenge the stricter drug testing policy put into place. But it was so long ago, why does it matter?

First, and most obvious, is that A-Rod's moniker has transformed into A-Fraud. His legacy of being the "pure one" is completely destroyed. I'm not sure many people like Rodriguez, but there's no question fans would rather live with his name at the top of the home run list. That was before the asterisk had been permanently tattooed to the back of his baseball card. ESPN had some interesting stats showing how every year outside of 2000-2003, Rodriguez never topped 40 home runs. Obviously the roiding gave him an advantage.

Second, this inevitably redefines what a superstar is. Is it possible to hit over 50 home runs a season? Without the aid of performance enhancing drugs? In the age of the raised mound and better pitchers? Albert Belle, Sammy Sosa, Brady Anderson, and Mark Mcgwire all did it. They were also all on something that is deemed illegal now. So the question becomes: what constitutes a superstar? Power hitting has become something associated with the lost generation of baseball from the 90s. Sure it is still revered but in the age of moneyball, renaissance talents like Hanley Ramirez, Curtis Granderson, Chase Utley, Jimmy Rollins, and Grady Sizemore are going to take the place of the big bad power hitter of years past. The exposure of Rodriguez as a fake may very well catalyze a paradigm shift for what makes a star.

It is inherently unfair to retrospectively judge people for acting a certain way in the past that was condoned. But we do it. Especially in baseball. A-Rod truthfully did nothing wrong at the time he did it. If he were to get caught now, that's a different story. However, for some reason we have deemed to hold athletes to a different level than normal people. We can't be certain if drug use was condoned or even a part of baseball culture at the time.

Canseco states that about 80% of the players in the majors used some sort of performance enhancer. If this is true, then a young player such as Rodriguez, coming off signing the biggest contract in sports history, probably deserves a little reprieve from the strictest of scrutiny. I make no excuses for what he did, but given the culture at the time we should give the guy a break. His legacy is ruined and his image tarnished. He'll probably get booed a little extra everywhere he goes this season. Ultimately, he'll have to answer only to himself (and the Hall of Fame electors).

The Best Post Ever

I’m feeling a little bit of déjà vu here, but why is everyone rushing to proclaim this the greatest Super Bowl ever? Even if it was hands-down, the greatest Super Bowl ever, what’s the point of saying it? Can’t we just enjoy it for what it was? It’s like if your girlfriend/mistress asks you afterwards … “was that the best ever?” You have to say yes even if isn’t true, and even thinking about saying no will get you in trouble.

For starters, I’m not even entirely convinced it was the greatest Super Bowl. First of all, I’ve only seen a few of them (at least that I can remember in great detail) and I’m convinced that most of the people making these claims couldn’t give specific details about Super Bowl XXV or XIX any better than I could. Hell, I don’t remember details from last year’s game and I’m sure I thought it was the Best Ever at the time. Second of all, does no one remember that (aside from Harrison’s INT TD) this game COMPLETELY SUCKED for the first three quarters!?! How many damn holding penalties were there? And call me a purist, but I would have liked to have seen some exciting runs at some point in the game – there was maybe one running play longer than ten yards.

I’m not just saying this because I predicted the Super Bowl would be terrible, and I whole-heartedly agree it was a great, even terrific finish. But just because the last ten minutes were exciting doesn’t make it the best GAME ever.

Something we already knew, but...

Peter King is retarded. And lazy. Observe:

“I think I wish the NFL would stop using the Roman numerals. Call it Super Bowl 43, not XLIII. Who knows what XLIII is, and who will know what XLIV is next year? Is that 44 in Roman numerals?”

I happen to like the Roman numerals, and “Super Bowl 43” just looks cheesy. If you aren’t going to use the Roman numerals, why even bother? Just call it the Super Bowl. Maybe I’m just an elitist, but I’m pretty sure that most people know the Roman numeral system, or at least re-learn it every January. If I could learn it in fifth grade, it can't be that difficult. Traditions shouldn’t be stopped just because people are too stupid to understand them.

Worst Superbowl Ever

Yeah, I said it. And it hasn't even been played yet. But c'mon, we already know that this is going to be one huge load of shit. Honestly, if this game actually turns out to be decent, most people will go nuts and declare it a classic due to the dearth of expectations. The only thing good to come out of his "media week" are pictures of Jeff Reed and backup Steelers players with hot chicks in Tampa. Otherwise, as my esteemed colleague pointed out, I couldn't care less about Larry Fitzgerald Sr., Ken Wisenhunt's vengeance, or Hines Ward's messed up Asian knee.

Obviously I have a personal rooting interest against the Steelers in this situation. Being from Cleveland and knowing a ton of Pittsburgh folk makes me hate the Steelers more than anything in this world (A-Rod, Baltimore come close). However, what is worse is that the Cardinals are so crappy. They are possibly the worst team ever to make it to the Super Bowl. They won the worst division in the history of the NFL then beat three teams that for some reason shit the bed on those given Sundays/Saturdays. All in all, the Cardinals have very little chance of beating the Steelers.

So in my mind, I have already crowned my biggest rival the Superbowl champion. This is like thinking about approaching Marissa Miller at a bar and asking to buy her a drink. You've already rejected yourself in the fantasy before any affirmative action has been taken. And there is about a good a chance of me getting a response from Ms. Miller as there is the Cardinals beating the Steelers. This whole foregone conclusion thing really takes the wind out of the big game. Not to mention the 2 week recess and the nonstop media coverage dissecting everything from Mike Tomlin's Omar Epps likeness to the question of will Leinart ever return to the Super Bowl.

I guess the only option I have, and you should have, for Sunday is to get reasonably drunk and root against the Steelers. There is some solace in Pittsburgh losing to the worst Super Bowl Champion in the history of the NFL. It's like watching one of your friends bang one of the chicks from the Hills and thereby spiting Brody Jenner. You feel good for your friend, but you revel in the misfortune of Brody Jenner. Schadenfreude saves the day once again.

One Super Bowl Preview with a side of apathy

Does it make me a bad sports fan if I don’t care about the Super Bowl matchup? I know the league likes to have its two-week break between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl, but the loss of momentum is pretty noticeable. Sure, the teams can get a little healthier. And yes, all the journos will have an extra week to dig up all those great stories we care so little about. Larry Fitzgerald’s dad is a sportswriter? Awesome! The Arizona coach used to coach at Pittsburgh, and now has a chance for revenge? Sweet!

The truth is that no amount of stories can make up for a crappy game. Last year’s game was a classic, but of the last ten Super Bowls only half have been decided by a touchdown or less. And even that doesn’t make it a good game. I consider myself a decently knowledgeable NFL fan, but I had completely forgotten that the Eagles had even played in a Super Bowl just a few years ago, so clearly not a memorable game. In retrospect, the only thing I remember is the “McNabb throwing up in the huddle” controversy.

Arizona is riding a nice wave of momentum, but I have to think that the extra week off is going to destroy that. Pittsburgh’s defense is clearly one of the best, if not the best, in the league, and I don’t see them getting shredded like Philly or Atlanta. Either way, this game is going to be a blowout. If Pittsburgh’s defense gets going, Big Ben will only need a couple of touchdown drives to salt away the game. If Arizona gets a few quick scores early in the game, the Steelers are screwed because they aren’t built to come from behind. So, with that overly simplistic analysis, I predict a blowout for one of the teams, and therefore, a crappy game.

You might think this is leading towards one of those “I’ll be more interested in the commercials than the game”, but no. And I hate those people. You’re really going to spend four hours to watch commercials? Unless you’re a girl and have to watch the game with your boyfriend/husband, don’t bother. Hopefully I’ll end up somewhere with free beer, and the night won’t be a total loss.

Why I Choose the Ravens

As a Browns fan this is probably the closest it comes to an Armageddon scenario in the NFL. The hated Ravens of Baltimore pitted against the evil Steelers of Pittsburgh for a chance at the conference crown. Somebody kill me know. This is like watching the Taliban fight Al Qaeda. Who should we root for? Or should we hope the powers that be somehow kill both sides? I'd prefer the latter but lets be realistic here, God doesn't exist. And I'm sure smiting the scourge of the AFC wouldn't be on his to do list if He did. Only sweet gods do that. Like Zeus.

So I'm gonna go ahead and choose the Ravens for this game. My motto is that you gotta pick a side and stick with it. Can't be waffling around like John Kerry when it comes to important decisions. But didn't Baltimore steal your team? Why yes, observant cocksucker, they did. But that doesn't stop me from absolutely loathing the frontrunning Steeler fanbase. At this point the zombie armies of yellow and gold are eclipsing Red Sox nation as the most annoying fans in the world.

Everywhere I go I see a fresh decal or pristine new Steelers jersey being paraded around like it was won in a battle to the death. Oddly enough there are a disproportionate amount of Hines Ward, Ben Roethlisberger, and Troy Polamalu jerseys. What happened to Jerome Bettis, Bam Morris, Neil O'Donnell, Kevin Greene, and Rod Woodson ones? OH YEAH, those guys never won a fucking Super Bowl!! So it dawned on me, these assholes are all freeloaders.

I refuse to believe that Pittsburgh, a small market surrounded by other NFL markets (Cleveland, Philly, Buffalo, Cinci) can muster up such national support. There just aren't enough people to explain the copious amounts of Steelers fans EVERYWHERE. Sure you can attribute it to the Pittsburgh diaspora, but that usually means that the people that left hated the place enough to actually move their asses out. I guess a Super Bowl victory brings out super fans in even the most self loathing person. "Hey I got this Hines Ward jersey two years ago and I love the Steelers! But I'll NEVER go back to that hellhole!" Fuck you Steelers fans.

The Ravens, on the other hand, have a very docile east coast suburban fan base that really doesn't give a shit about their team. They seem like they're at the stadium because its something to do (besides getting shot) in Baltimore. I guess the National Aquarium with its $30 admission fee doesn't seem so appealing in this economic climate. These fans wear purple camo. You really can't hate them that much, and trust me, I HATE the Ravens. I even urinated on M&T Stadium or whatever its called during a recent trip to that shithole. Also, Ed Reed is a monster. I can't help but root for him to lay out Hines Ward or pick off Roethlisberger for a 70+ yard TD.

I hate myself.

What Eli Manning Doesn't Have

Balls. If you answered with "the ability to throw a spiral", then you'd also be correct. However, the most important attribute that Eli lacks is balls. Peyton has balls. Tom Brady has balls. By balls, I mean the ability to control the huddle and control your selfish wide receivers. I remember reading reports on how Jeremy Shockey would change the play in the huddle, or try to, when Eli was first drafted. This is completely unacceptable for a quarterback. Do you think Joe Flacco puts up with whining from his receivers? Hell no, that guy is a serial killer (seriously look into his eyes and tell me he isn't).

I think that the ability to control the offense with grit and personality is an underrated aspect when evaluating a potential quarterback. It takes more than a laser arm, good looks, and intelligence to be a quarterback in the NFL. You have to be a manager. There are tons of quarterbacks who had all the "tools" necessary to succeed in the NFL but outright failed to do so. Ryan Leaf, Drew Henson, Derek Anderson, JP Losman, Alkili Smith, the list goes on forever. What these guys didn't have was the temperment to put up with asshole position players and the gumption to put them in their place.

Look at Peyton in the huddle. He's yelling at everyone. You think he gives a flying fuck what Reggie Wayne thinks of him outside of the playing field? Hell no. Tom Brady put Randy Moss, yes Randy "I ran over a female cop" Moss, into a subordinate role. You think winning culture has something to do with that? Then how come the Cowboys can't control T.O.? Because Romo is a pussy. Just like Eli Manning. He literally cannot get Plaxico Burress to care about football the way that Peyton and Brady can get their offenses to realize the football season is greater than any one individual.

Its a trait of a great athlete that is overlooked. Tim Duncan yells at everyone on the court to stay in position. Michael Jordan used to call teammates at practice "faggots" if they didn't play up to his standard of manliness. It is the definition of leadership. Quarterbacks need to be the asshole sometimes and Eli Manning has to learn that. Roethlisberger controls Santonio and Nate Washington. Dickface Rivers knows how to handle DUI Jackson. Drew Brees can handle Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and the rest of that crew. Eli can't. That's why he'll never acheive greatness in the NFL. That's why he's probably the most overrated quarterback of our time. That's why I simply can't understand how they won the Superbowl last year.

Just when you think you have it figured out...

I didn't boast (unlike certain people who will probably etch their 08 Devil Rays pick on their gravestone) about going 4-0 in NFL playoff picks because I knew that it would all come crashing down. I did not realize the flourish in which the picks would falter.

Titans v. Ravens
I liked my Titans pick. I think the Titans were the better team, but the Ravens deserved the win. Two turnovers by the Ravens D deep in their territory was classic bend/don't break veteran defense. The Ravens also were lucky. On offense, the play clock obviously struck zero before the snap, but it was not called and the Ravens were allowed to complete a pass to Todd Heap to set up the game winning field goal. Chris Johnson's injury was huge as he was having a productive game, and LenDale White cannot run on the Ravens. White can run on a soft team like the Bengals or Browns, but not the Ravens. The Titans offense is not as imposing without him. After the game, and being informed that my perfect predictions were over, I told Rahul that I would be wrong on all the games...

Panthers v. Cardinals
I watched the opening drive of this game, 7-0 Panthers lickity split. Since the Sabres were playing the Red Wings and Cuse was playing Rutgers my buddy OC and I didn't check the score until sometime in the third quarter when it was 27-7. We were shocked. That was the game Vegas made a killing on. I still can't believe it. The Cardinals are awful. Their week 16 47-7 drubbing at the hands of the Patriots was the Cardinals I remembered. Sure Jake Delhomme was putrid, but still...

Giants v. Eagles
I should have known former Bills offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride would find some way to mess up the Giants run. His refusal to give the ball to Brandon Jacobs is indefensible. I know Jacobs was stuffed on one of the many 3rd and 4th and shorts, but they would not have been in that position if they just gave the big man the ball more. I do legitimately worry for America if Philadelphia follows up the World Series with a Super Bowl win. Isn't this one of the signs of the Apocalypse?

Steelers v. Chargers
My one upset special is the one that failed. I did like Phillip Rivers being a cocky jerk though even when the game was out of hand. I've been telling anyone who will listen that Big Ben is five years away from being Drew Bledsoe, but yesterday he proved me wrong. I had a bad feeling about this pick after the Vincent Jackson DWI, those kind of distractions usually equal a loss.

So I'm still hoping for a winning playoff pick em season and am not scared to make my picks on Monday. I'm going with the Ravens and the Eagles, of course that means that the Cardinals and Steelers should get ready for Tampa.

The Elias Life Bureau

For Christmas my parents gave me a ipod Touch. My phone is a Blackberry, and I drive a Ford Edge with Sync Technology...all are interesting gadgets. Each of these advances would pale in comparison to the Elias Life Bureau. Just as Wikipedia and the mobile internet have ended bullshitting by assorted blowhards, the Elias Life Bureau would end all traditionally unquantifiable manliness arguments. How many times have you doubted a friends "number" or how much they can bench press? The Life Bureau would let us know. A machine/person that follows you around all day, or is implanted in you that gives you the statistics of life. Think of the nearly infinite benefits:

• Every man has that "critical cocktail" that amount of alcohol that will determine whether you are going to be a stud that night or suffer from whiskey dick. The Elias Life Bureau would let you know.

• You would be able to tell how much money you spent on each girlfriend. This could cause an increase in depression and break-ups.

• Discover your all-time pick up basketball record, beer pong record, softball batting average, and bar fight records.

So hopefully Steve Jobs figures out what is wrong with his hormones and invents this machine. All mankind would be happy.

Playoff Predictions
A perfect 4-0 the first playoff weekend. It will be nearly impossible to repeat that feat as three of the four games really could go either way. History says go with the home teams despite how sexy the Ravens, Eagles, and Chargers currently look. Since 1990 the home teams have a ridiculous 55-17 record. I think this is a year where at least one of the roadies wins. I'll go with the Panthers, Giants, Chargers, and Titans.

NFL Playoff Predictions

Oh I'm getting in on these playoff predictions. I mean, I predicted the Devil Rays! Yes, its a different sport but still...so awesome. Anyway here they are.

Colts (fags) over Chargers (bigger fags)

What a shitfest of a game to pick. These teams should have been left for dead about 6 weeks ago but somehow managed to make the playoffs in the AFC. I'm going with the Colts on this one because the Charger's pass defense is sluttier than a Wall Street whore during a recession (topical humor!). I can see Peyton Manning having a day on this secondary and Reggie Wayne putting up some big numbers. Don't underestimate the Colts, they still have the weapons to be dangerous...except in cold weather climes. Pussies.

Stabbers over Tunas

Yeah I hate the Ravens, but their defense is way too good to count out. The Dolphins have some speed on their offense but that gimmick wildcat won't fool Rex Ryan and the Raven's drug enhanced defense. I don't see Chad Pennington as a quarterback who can beat the Ravens. On the same thought process I'm not sure Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown are hard nosed enough to beat the Ravens' linebacker corps made of Uru-kai Orcs. Was that a racial insult? You decide.

Angry Fat People over Laid Back Fat People

I have no idea why I'm making this pick but it probably has something to do with the fact that the Vikings are starting Tarvaris Jackson against a good Eagles defense. They do have Adrian Peterson on the field, but there's only so much that he can do. The Vikings have a pretty good defense of their own but McNabb, Westbrook, and company have been playing inspired ball ever since Reid benched McNabb a few weeks back. This game will probably be a close affair but the Eagles should pull it out. Watch out Giants, these guys are real and you guys are overrated.

Dog Fighters over Best of the Worst

Matt Ryan and the dirty birds will continue their impressive run against Kurt Warner and the blowout birds of Arizona. Sure the Cards are division winners but when you consider the fact that they won the worst division in the history of the NFL, it becomes less impressive. Celebrate all you will Cardinals fans, the division still sucks. The Cardinals' defense is terrible and they won't be able to stop Michael Turner on the ground. This game probably will be a shootout, but I see the Falcons making more stops than the Cardinals.

Lets see how these football predictions go. I think my darlings will be the hated Eagles. Only because I hate the Giants and Steelers more and they have endeared me to their weekly inconsistency and Desean Jackson shenanigans.